Today I am reminded how sensitive, emotional, and self conscious my fragile self is.
Tonight I found out something that was said about me that really, really hurt me. I wont go into details. Just that I truly am fighting my inner self to tell myself that I am special. That I am worth it. That I am important. That I am loved.
It's been quite the task to convince myself those above statements. I'm not even sure I believe them yet.
As I cried many tears tonight, I wonder- were those tears even worth it? Should I have even wasted my time letting my emotions go?
I have always felt this need to be accepted. By everyone. I always want everyone to get along. I dont like when people have bad feelings about me. But lets face it, I can't please everyone, and certainly not everyone in the world likes me. And I need to tell myself that's OK. I really try my best to please people, and make friends. And to strengthen relationships with family/friends. But so often I check my confidence- and realize that I really don't have any.
I am so fragile.
We all are. You never know when your words are going to cut deep.
So please, be kind to one another, because everyone you meet is fighting a battle.
Maybe the reason I had this experience today was so God could remind me once again what my weakness was. When we are shown our weaknesses, it humbles us, forcing us to become strong. (Ether 12:27). And I was truly reminded that I have a weakness for feeling no self worth.
I am always needing words of affirmation. I need to know that I am important to others. I rely on others to "shore up" my self worth.
As I cried to my sister on the phone tonight, she told me to pray, let it go, read some scriptures and general conference talks, and write a list of things I like about myself. So far, I have prayed, and read some general conference talks. The others I will do tonight, and letting it go will take some time..
The talk I came upon is called Learning to Rely on the Lord from an Ensign in Sep. 2003. The Author says: When people were not there to lend me strength, or when I perceived that they had in some way withdrawn their support, I came crashing down. I came to understand that instead of leaning on my fellow mortals for constant validations of my worth, I should be relying on the foundation of my Father in Heaven and my Savior. They are constant. No matter how imperfect I am, they will always love me and be my source of strength. If I could learn to build my foundation on them, I could be strong and not so easily tossed to and fro like those bare, lifeless, leaning trees.
I read that and realize that is EXACTLY how I am feeling tonight. I need to learn to lean on my Savior in times like this. Because when I get offended or sad over something- I truly do come crashing down. I usually get into a depression that is hard to get out of- because I realize that I cant make everyone happy.. or that others may not like me. But my Savior will always love me. And will always be there for me.
So, although I am very sad tonight, I know my Savior can help me through this, and can make me feel worth something if I lean on him for help.
I challenge you to do the same if you are struggling with something.
I am so grateful for the Gospel.