some things have been on my mind lately and I am just gonna vent it out right here. warning: please don't read or comment if you dont wanna read a venting post :) Its not a pleasant one.
Pregnancy is HARD. Don't get me wrong. I love parts of it. I love finding out you are pregnant. Finding out the gender. Hearing the heartbeat. Seeing ultrasounds. Feeling the kicks. Seeing the cute baby bump. And I actually like the delivery. (at least Mia's I did). But I am telling you what- when you get as sick as I do, it's almost impossible NOT to complain and its almost impossible to remember the good things!
Just imagine this: You wake up. Throw up. Usually its just dry heaving in the morning. Eat some food. Throw up again. Feel nauseated all day. Gag outloud when you are shopping or talking to someone out of the blue. Throw up in the car into a grocery bag on the freeway. Husband is gone all day at school in the morning, and work at night till 11:30 PM. You have to take care of a baby and change smelly poopy diapers in the midst of it all. Chase around a baby who never stops moving. EVER. all day. Try doing the dishes, but throw up in the sink in the meantime. Then go to sleep, and start all over again the next day. Oh- and add taking 2 zofrans every 6 hours, and getting an IV once a week. Thats my life right now. No joke. I'm sure many of you can't even imagine it- because you most of you have never been that sick. Especially not the whole 9 months.
I hate when people say "oh at least you are almost in the 2nd tri! You will feel better so soon!" Well, I doubt it. I was just as sick with Mia, the whole time. So I am not planning on feeling better any time soon. I dont feel like people understand how hard it is to be this sick. I hear people say "Oh I would give anything to be in your position right now to have a baby" and I totally get that. I am not saying I dont appreciate this baby and that I wouldnt give ANYTHING to be pregnant and have kids. Because I would. I would give anything. But Even if someone who previously couldnt get pregnant, got pregnant, and got this sick, there is no way they wouldn't complain. It wouldn't be on purpose, its just the way it is. Its HARD. It's rarely glamorous.
I dont cook. I never put makeup on or do my hair. I try to clean, but even keeping up on that is hard. My number one priorety right now is Mia. Keeping her happy, and also being a good wife to Kevin. I use all my energy towards them, at sometimes I think I should be able to do it all. I had to go get an IV on thursday and I was really sleepy after from the medicine, so my mother in law offered to let Mia sleep over. I cried when I had to say goodbye to Mia because I felt like I was failing. I hate asking for help. I hate asking people to watch her or help clean or bring food- because most of them have a life and have been in the same situation and did it all just fine. I just cannot do it for some reason. I feel like I am failing.
I hate how much Kevin is gone. Its so so hard. Sure, he isn't deployed. He isn't dead. He doesn't work Sundays. He doesnt have to travel out of town. But for my situation right now- its hard. It's MY trial. I hate when others say it could be worse or that I have it easy. People who have husbands in the army or military or whatever knew before they signed up that their husbands would possibly be deployed. Although they knew that, I am sure it doesn't make it harder to have them gone. I do feel bad sometimes complaining when I at least I know my husband gets to come sleep by me at night and others dont get that luxery. But for me and my situation, I am having a hard time with him gone from 9 am to midnight every day. And even though he's working so much, you would think we would have enough money to save and get by, but we are always so tight. Living pay check to pay check.
On top of all of that, I just found out that one of my best friends has Hodgkins Lymphoma. That sucks. She's 27, has two little girls and has a long road of chemo and radiation ahead of her. Life just isn't fair.
And then- lastly, some stupid girl wrote me a message on facebook that was the most hurtful thing I have receieved in a LONG time: some things are really just things you don't announce in public. It really gets to some people when you complain of being sick everyday, especially when you should be thankful that Heavenly Father has blessed you with another child. I'm pregnant too and have been really sick with this, but I'm not complaining especially in public because it took me a while to get pregnant with this one and I'm just so grateful I get to be blessed with another child. Maybe try focusing on something positive for a change instead of how sick you are. It's cheesy when you post pictures of yourself sick in bed in public. It is also grotesque to post pictures of stretch marks in public. I have them too, but by heck I'm a tiger who has earned her stripes, but I don't need to show them to everybody. Also, how did your husband feel when you blogged about how he didn't want the baby with your first? And how would you explain that to Mia if she ever read that? Maybe you should pull your head out of your ass and maybe care about somebody else's feelings besides your own sometimes. I like you don't get me wrong I'm just giving you a little taste of your own outspokenness because I'm bullheaded and when somebody pisses me off, I'll let them know.
Well, to those people who agree with her, dont read my blog. Dont be my friend. I dont care. This person obviously doesn't know me and was obviously having issues with me for a long time. She said a lot of things that weren't true. I never said Kevin didn't want Mia. I said he didn't want a baby at the time, he wasn't ready. That doesnt mean that she isn't wrapped around his finger today, because she most certainly is. She doesnt know us or our life or our situation. She has no right to make judgements like that.
I am just so sick of rude people saying things like that to me. Just let me be. I can write what I want on my blog and If I wanna complain, I will.
Like I did today. Because I am just a tad bit mad today.
At least I have a happy, smiley, loving lil baby girl to make me happy! She never lets me down. :)