Monday, May 21, 2012

on my mind

there are a few things on my mind tonight.

1-my knee. it hurts like a mother. with every day, it's getting worse. here is a little background on it: I grew up dancing. In 2005 my knees got really bad. I spent the year doing physical therapy to try to strengthen my muscles around the knee to hold off surgery, but after an MRI and more pain, the doc decided I needed to get surgery. I had a torn meniscus on both knees, as well as me needing a bi-lateral release.   I got the surgery done on both knees at the same time. It was a scope. I was supposed to be able to walk right after, although it would be very painful. It was the worst surgery I have ever had. (and I have had 4). Here is what my knees looked like a week or two after surgery:

I couldn't kneel for over a year after and I had to quit dance. My knees would get really swollen and I have had problems with them every since. I think there were more problems with it than we anticipated... and it really is getting worse with every day now.

To be honest, it hurts more now than it ever has before. Both knees hurt, but my right one is definitly worse. It has popped out of place, it has gotten stuck so that I can't straighten it, it has given out on me.. bad stuff. As I am typing right now, it's throbbing. I have been trying to be tough about it, and continue with my walks with Mia and trying to work out and do my every day things, but I am quickly realizing that something very wrong is going on with my knee. I can't even kneel down at the tub to give Mia a bath anymore. It hurts to wear heels. It hurts to bend my knees. It hurts to stand up from sitting. It is swollen.

I honestly am TERRIFIED To go to the doctor because I know something is wrong, and I am scared to get the verdict. What if I have to get surgery again? Who will take care of Mia? How will I kneel down to play with her? What if I have to be on pain meds (I know I would have to be because I am a baby) and can't breast feed? Who will cook and clean (since Kevin works and goes to school so much)? Who will help me out when I need to get up to go potty or eat for those first few days when I can't walk? Who will carry the carseat to and from the car when I am on crutches? Oh my, so much stress going on in my mind right now. I can't help but have the tears just roll down my face right now.... I am just STUCK in a rut. I need to get this knee figured out because it hurts so bad, but I just don't want to with Mia being so little... but i'm afraid if I wait too long it will get worse, and then the surgery would be more intense. (That is if surgery is the verdict.) what to do what to do...

2-Mia is not eating well. She used to be such a good eater and breastfeeding really wasn't hard for me. For some reason, this last week she will just cry and cry when she first latches on and won't eat. I have to stick the binky in her mouth to calm her down and then I can remove the binky and help her latch on. Even then though, she will only stay latched on for a few minutes, then pull off and cry, almost as if she is in pain. She will take the bottle, but won't eat for very long with it either. I let her eat whenever she acts hungry- it's not like I am holding her off for hours to try to get her on a schedule because I try to follow her feeding ques instead. Because she isn't eating a ton like she was before, I feel like my milk supply is going down.

I took her to the doctor to talk to the doctor about it and she said if Mia still acts hungry and I feel empty, I can supplement her with formula. She weighed her and she had only gained half of what she needed to gain from her last appointment. I just hate that I have the ability to breastfeed her and for some reason all the sudden she doesn't want to. She doesn't even really want to eat with the bottle either. She will, but I think its just because it's easier to suck out of because I am not making enough milk. I feel so sad about it. I know that some people can't breast feed and some people don't like it and some people just don't make enough milk, but I was doing so good until just this week! I have no idea what happened. I drink tons of water and have pumped but for some reason my milk supply isn't as much as it used to be. Maybe Mia just doesn't want to work as hard to get the milk now that it isn't coming out as easy. Ugh. I just want to cry.. I have enjoyed breastfeeding and want to keep doing so. I will keep trying and trying until I just can't anymore, because I just enjoy that bonding time with her and I know it's better for her.

3-My ring. I am SO mad at Zales. I will never buy another piece of jewelry there OR recommend it to anyone! It's a long story, but here is some of it: I've had my ring for three years and a small diamond on the channel ring has fallen out 6 times!! One of the times being today! I don't sleep with it, don't do hair with it, and don't drop it. They have built up the gold around it twice now. The funny thing is too, the diamonds that have fallen out have almost been different diamonds each time. AND- when kevin bought it, he told them he wanted a warranty on both (the solitaire and the wrap it goes in) so he bought one. Within that first year, some of the diamonds fell out, I had to get it re-dipped, re-sized.. blah blah, and they fixed it all for free. Well then the second year, they said the warranty only covered the solitaire and not the wrap. What the crap. So now they wont let us buy a warranty on the wrap (even though they said it was covered the first year) because it has to be bought at the time of purchase. I am so furious. They have been fixing the diamonds for free, but thats because its rediculous for them to fall out that many times! Especially after building up the gold around it TWO times! They said I could trade in my ring for another one (they dont make the same one anymore though) but we would have to trade it in for something that is double the price of what we bought ours for, and pay the difference. There is no way I am doing that. They owe us a freaking new ring that wont keep doing this. I am writing corporate. They said the manager that was over that store when we bought it did a bunch of shady things and so now that she is gone they have been cleaning up her messes.. so either that means they changed their rules now or the manager before made alot of mistakes and lied to us about having the warranty on both rings. Kevin paid $100 for the warranty and why would they fix the ring a bunch of times within the first year if it wasn't covered? I am just so confused about it all.

Anyway. Thats what is on my mind tonight. Just a little down. I need my hubby to come home and snuggle me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Because right now, I have no faith!

seriously stressed out momma right now.


The Rowlands said...

Dont worry about your milk supply. Mine has gone down as well and did with my first baby. My first reaction is to feel sad and like I'm a bad mommy because I have to supplement with formula. I figure as long as she is still getting some milk from me it's not all bad. Breast feeding is the best plus you get that bonding time. It's really okay if you can't do it every feeding or if only for a minute. (at least that's what I'm telling myself) i could only nurse Liv for 6 months and she turned out just fine. Good luck! Try vitamin B it helps some! Plus gives you more energy. Hope this kinda helps.

Mike and Adrianne said...

Mia acts like Will did when he had reflux. I'm not trying to diagnose her and I'm not there to see how she acts but that is how he was frustrating.

As far as the knees go, it could be that now after having the baby, your joints and such are loose and weak and that is causing you to have more issues. After every baby I have I have a few months, not quite a year, where my knees, my shoulders, my feet, all hurt. They hurt to walk and are achey. I don't have the same knee problems you do, so it could be that you injured your knee but it could also be that they are worse because after pregnancy your joints and hormones do crazy things to your body.

I can say this because it's not me, but if surgery is the solution, then everything will work out. You will find that things will fall into place and the things you are worried about will be ok. It probably WILL be difficult, but everything will work out. Mike always quotes that scripture to me in Matthew about not worrying about the things of tomorrow because "sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." Meaning, there are enough things to worry about today--don't worry about the future until you have to. Good luck. Like I said, if it were me, I'd worry to because that's what I do...which is why Mike quotes the scripture to me all the time. But, if I took his advice better then I would do my best to prepare for what I can, and then let God take care of the rest of it.

Love you.

Melanie Fox said...

hey that is exactly what happened to maxxon. he just started not wanting to breast feed, and i did not want to lose my milk I talked to a lac specialist and she suggested i power pump. so what you do is pump for 7 min take a break for 7 min and do that for an hour! It seriously increased my milk supply so much I had more milk then i knew what to do with. so i would just freeze it and just kept trying soon maxxon wanted nothing to do with the bottle and now only breastfeeds so just keep trying sorry i hope this helps!


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