Monday, November 14, 2011

till we meet again

i've been thinking a lot the last few days about a very serious matter.

One of my best friends dad committed suicide in high school when we were juniors. I watched her struggle. I remember thinking how selfish it was for him to do that and leave her when she needed him so much. I remember just wanted to hug her and tell her that it wasn't her that caused it to happen. I'm sure she knew that. There was one time that we were performing in choir and she had just performed a perfect song without any flaws. She came into the dressing room and cried and said how mad she was that her dad wasn't there physically to watch her and we all cried together. That was my first experience knowing someone who had gone through loosing someone to suicide. I just couldn't understand it and thought it was the most selfish thing for people to do. There were a lot of underlying issues that I wasn't aware of at the time and now I see how judgemental that was for me to think that, even though I thought I Was just caring for a friend who I loved deeply and could see how much hurt she was in.

Then, a few years later (may 2010) my cousin died. She shot her self. She was depressed and got so low that she couldn't come back. It was the biggest shock. She was SO fun. She was so happy. Or at least she seemed. She was very kind, a huge tease. At the time, I too was suffering from deep depression- and pretty silently too. I had depression in high school too but never really told anyone but my mom and dad. I hadn't seen my cousin for a really long time and really the only memories I had of her were from when I was really little. So you would think that ya, of course I would be sad, but not hysterical and not still thinking about it today. But the minute I looked at her in the casket, I fell apart. It scared me. I felt like I saw myself! That is how I was going to end up if I didn't get the help I needed and it scared me more than anything. I then had a change of heart towards suicide. I do not think people can be in their right mind to kill themselves. I think there are many issues that we cannot judge, and should not judge that were often hidden. I think emotionally, they are sick. And they needed help- and couldn't see past the negative anymore. I have gotten to that low point before and almost didn't come back up. It was the help of my family and counseling and medication that helped me. I now look back at my friend from high school and feel guilty for ever thinking that her dad was selfish. I had no right to think those thoughts about him. I am sure he was in so much emotional pain and really didn't know what to do. I know this is sorta a terrible statement, but my cousin dying is what saved my life. Truth. I miss you Tessa..

Two days ago, a friend from high school, Kyson Holt commited suicide. Oh it breaks my heart to think he suffered alone for so long. No I do not know the whole story and I cannot speak for him or his family but I still just ache for them. I think it's sad that a lot of times we don't see the saddness or depression in a person until it's too late to help. Kyson and I were not best friends, but we did talk and had lots of classes together. He teased me a lot, just in a fun way. He was really good friends with a lot of my other close friends. He was really funny and always made me laugh. I am sad that his life is now over and he doesn't get to experience marriage or kids in this life, but I am know he is out of pain and in a better place now. It just really hit me when I heard about him passing away and all these emotions came out of me.

For one, I am grateful that I am emotionally doing so much better and that I was able to get the help I needed. I am grateful for the Gospel. I am SO grateful to know I can see my loved ones again. I am grateful for the atonement and the help it gives me in becoming a better person.

I am grateful for me. I am grateful for my husband. My life. Please make it a point in your life to go out of your way to help those who seem sad or lonely. You never know what one hello can do to help!

I know lots of people will miss you Kyson! Till we meet again someday!


Jess said...

Suicide sucks, there's no way around it...but we are so lucky to have a Father in Heaven who is not only just, but kind and loving and understands perfectly the pain people who commit suicide suffered. I love you, Jill, and I'm so glad you've been open with your struggle with Depression as of late. Thanks for this entire post, and if you ever need anything, I'm here for you.

The Nitwit said...

dear 'unknown' one post of your personal thoughts was enough. no need to say it 20 times. This blog was beautifully written and written with nothing but love and compassion from the author. Suicidal people do have names, they are people with real names. You wanting the name removed only devalues the person who was aching so badly that he needed to take his own life.

dear author of the blog and others:

I am one of those who suffer from SEVERE depression and anxiety. I have tried suicide 3 times. I also witnessed my mother trying to commit suicide three times as a child.

Some say how selfish it is for the person who takes their own life; however, as the author of the blog stated.

No one knows what is going through our minds or how difficult it is just to manage. just to shower, just to breathe. The depression gets so bad that my loving husband has to keep my calendar and tell me what I need to do each day.

I don't know Kyson or his family. But my empathy runs deep. Both for Kyson and for his family.

Kira said...

Loosing a loved one is never easy no matter how they go. I too agree with Jess. Everything is very circumstantial and personal... We can never judge the actions of others because we really don't know where they've been, and while Life is not always fair our Heavenly Father is.. He is all knowing, kind and knows whats best for us. :)


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