Wednesday, November 30, 2011

dont let comparison steal your joy

*i was having some technical difficulties today with my blog so sorry this post has some weird bullets or whatever.*

I havent blogged for 2 or 3 weeks. 

Honestly, I have had no desire to. 

My reasons being- I have been busy with family in town and my mom getting a full knee replacement, I have been trying to decide if I even want to keep my blog or not, and I am not sure I like knowing that creepers are looking at my blog. I made it private for the last few weeks but I keep going back and forth on my decision. Here are all the negatives to this blog:

I am an open and honest person. Therefore, I share a lot of deep and hard things on here. Alot of people feel uncomfortable reading it and therefore like to comment mean things or talk about me behind my back. (and of course it gets back to me.) 

People like to tell me what I can and cannot write on here. They like to tell me how I should feel. I know that when you put personal opinions and stories on the web you are bound to get negative responses, but really? as much as I get them, is it worth it? 

Then there are the people who NEVER call, NEVER email, NEVER text, blah blah that look at my blog just to see how my life is going. They don't comment, or contact me to really talk. The only reason I know they look at my blog is because of google analytics- (it shows who has viewed my blog). The don't feel the need to reach out to me in a personal voice to voice or face to face way and that bugs me. Just because I write about my life on here doesn't mean you can read it and call it good. Some friends ya know? *Although I write that comment, I know I am guilty of this too at some time or another so I will try to be better*

Then there are the people who really don't like me, but just read my blog to try and pick apart everything they can and make their own meanings on it. Then they go and talk about it to so and so, who tells so and so, who gets back to me about it and it's just unnecessary drama! If you are really concerned about what someone says, stand up for me in the comments or say something nice once in a while. Otherwise, just don't read it or come to me complaining of so and so who said this and that about me and my blog. 

Now, to the positives. 

I have met some AMAZING friends. I would have never met 
and don't forget Ashley Hart. (cant find her blog for some reason... weird) 

I have met way more people than that, but thats just a few to name. 

I get random mail from people who are just the kindest people on the earth. Here are a few examples:
from marissa:
Hey Gillian! So, I feel like a little bit of a creep, but I totally used to stalk your blog, and I just felt the need to tell you how much I enjoyed and appreciated the real-ness (is that a word??) of it. While I completely understand your reasons for making it private, I would love to read it again if you ever change your mind :) Good luck with everything! Especially your baby girl to be! 

from lexy:
Hey :) you probably don’t know me, I was friends with Kaitlin in high school and pretty much idolized you my sophomore year. Anyway I just read your post about your blog, I wanted to let you know that I respect your decision to make it private, but it will be missed…yes, I blog stalk you…sorry. I personally loved that you share things that are so personal. I have always thought you were so brave for letting it all be out there. It was nice to hear someone be real and yet still so positive about the struggles of everyday life. A lot of times it was exactly what I needed. I also loved the cute crafts :) Well, I think you are so amazing. You are such a strong person, and so beautiful and incredibly talented in so many things. And congratulations on your baby! She is going to be one lucky little girl :) I hope you have a fabulous day! You deserve it 

from ashley:
Hey Gill! I have randomly been thinking about you a lot today! So I thought I would send you a little note telling you how cute you are. During high-school, I really looked up to you, and I still do. We hardly know each other, but it's so cool how the internet allows us to still be examples to people we don't physically see every day. So thank you for living your life in a way that makes other people want to be better... including me. You are awesome

Jess said:
Suicide sucks, there's no way around it...but we are so lucky to have a Father in Heaven who is not only just, but kind and loving and understands perfectly the pain people who commit suicide suffered. I love you, Jill, and I'm so glad you've been open with your struggle with Depression as of late. Thanks for this entire post, and if you ever need anything, I'm here for you. 

from Kira:
I TOTALLY hear you, I won't name specifics, but I have had some people put some pretty nasty comments on my blog :( I almost went private myself, seriously. They really hurt my feelings :( So I get it. I am so sorry! But, I will say try not to let what others say or think affect you... I know its way easier said then done, but it is possible with practice :) and... Just because one person may judge you, theres 5 others who commend you on your bravery and honesty.... :) Love ya, and I get it. Really do. Keep writing... :) You're great! Happy Thanksgiving!

So really, I get some really nice responses from people. I try to inspire others by writing about the things that are real because thats how people relate! Really there is just no way around how I am feeling if I want to continue to write the way I do. So, is it worth it? Am I really helping people? Therapeutically, I am helping myself. And I guess that's important. I just need to remember that not everyone has the same opinions and not everyone likes me or is going to agree with what I say, and I need to be ok with that. I never intentionally hurt peoples feelings. If you knew me, you would know that I would never do that, especially on here. So if I have hurt your feelings, just email me or call me and let me know. That way I can improve and have better relationships. 

My sister Adrianne wrote about this topic on her blog recently too. We both have similar feelings about our blogs and wonder if it's worth it. You can read hers here: 

I will take a stab at this again. But if it continues to be a problem, I will just make it private and send invites to only the people I want to read it. 

If you want to say something mean about my blog, just say it to my face. I wont bite. :) But please don't add the drama here or involve others in it. 

Thanks for all the continued support to my friends and family and here is a thought to end with:

I am who I am and nothing can change that. I like who I am. I have flaws, but they are being refined and worked on. I am not perfect. But I cannot let comparisons ruin my happiness and make me feel less than what I am. Don't compare yourself to others. Everyone is different. Everyone is fighting a different battle. Everyone feels lonely at times or struggles financially. No one is perfect! Let Christ be the center of your home and life and I promise your life will be easier. 

Monday, November 14, 2011

till we meet again

i've been thinking a lot the last few days about a very serious matter.

One of my best friends dad committed suicide in high school when we were juniors. I watched her struggle. I remember thinking how selfish it was for him to do that and leave her when she needed him so much. I remember just wanted to hug her and tell her that it wasn't her that caused it to happen. I'm sure she knew that. There was one time that we were performing in choir and she had just performed a perfect song without any flaws. She came into the dressing room and cried and said how mad she was that her dad wasn't there physically to watch her and we all cried together. That was my first experience knowing someone who had gone through loosing someone to suicide. I just couldn't understand it and thought it was the most selfish thing for people to do. There were a lot of underlying issues that I wasn't aware of at the time and now I see how judgemental that was for me to think that, even though I thought I Was just caring for a friend who I loved deeply and could see how much hurt she was in.

Then, a few years later (may 2010) my cousin died. She shot her self. She was depressed and got so low that she couldn't come back. It was the biggest shock. She was SO fun. She was so happy. Or at least she seemed. She was very kind, a huge tease. At the time, I too was suffering from deep depression- and pretty silently too. I had depression in high school too but never really told anyone but my mom and dad. I hadn't seen my cousin for a really long time and really the only memories I had of her were from when I was really little. So you would think that ya, of course I would be sad, but not hysterical and not still thinking about it today. But the minute I looked at her in the casket, I fell apart. It scared me. I felt like I saw myself! That is how I was going to end up if I didn't get the help I needed and it scared me more than anything. I then had a change of heart towards suicide. I do not think people can be in their right mind to kill themselves. I think there are many issues that we cannot judge, and should not judge that were often hidden. I think emotionally, they are sick. And they needed help- and couldn't see past the negative anymore. I have gotten to that low point before and almost didn't come back up. It was the help of my family and counseling and medication that helped me. I now look back at my friend from high school and feel guilty for ever thinking that her dad was selfish. I had no right to think those thoughts about him. I am sure he was in so much emotional pain and really didn't know what to do. I know this is sorta a terrible statement, but my cousin dying is what saved my life. Truth. I miss you Tessa..

Two days ago, a friend from high school, Kyson Holt commited suicide. Oh it breaks my heart to think he suffered alone for so long. No I do not know the whole story and I cannot speak for him or his family but I still just ache for them. I think it's sad that a lot of times we don't see the saddness or depression in a person until it's too late to help. Kyson and I were not best friends, but we did talk and had lots of classes together. He teased me a lot, just in a fun way. He was really good friends with a lot of my other close friends. He was really funny and always made me laugh. I am sad that his life is now over and he doesn't get to experience marriage or kids in this life, but I am know he is out of pain and in a better place now. It just really hit me when I heard about him passing away and all these emotions came out of me.

For one, I am grateful that I am emotionally doing so much better and that I was able to get the help I needed. I am grateful for the Gospel. I am SO grateful to know I can see my loved ones again. I am grateful for the atonement and the help it gives me in becoming a better person.

I am grateful for me. I am grateful for my husband. My life. Please make it a point in your life to go out of your way to help those who seem sad or lonely. You never know what one hello can do to help!

I know lots of people will miss you Kyson! Till we meet again someday!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Kelle and Whitney

Last night my good friend Whitney invited Kev and I and Makelle and her hubby to eat dinner with them! They made a roast, amazing potatoes, a salad, and rolls! It was SO good and I was stuffed after eating. Whitney got married in Jan. and Kelle got married last july. I went to hair school with Kelle and Whit and seriously- they are the only thing that got me through that school! We had SO much fun! We told eachother everything, compared ab muscles (haha) made fun of each others boyfriends, did eachothers hair and had a BLAST! I love these girls with all my heart and consider them my best friends for life! 

Whitney is 30 weeks pregnant and has the cutest baby bump EVER! She is also having a girl, and that makes me super excited! Kelle is going to school to become a teacher and lives in Ephriam at the moment with her hubby. We had a great time visiting last night and laughing. I hope we get together more often. I love you girls!!

here are some funny pictures I have of us through hair school. haha, enjoy! 

whitney and kelle and audrey wrapped my hair in tiny perm rods and then made a fro out of it. haha

on personal service day, they did my hair, then we did whits, and kelles. 

who knew a few years later we would be prego at the same time? hahaha

typical day of us all under dryers and reading magazines haha

valentines day!

halloween :)

pumpkin carving

i love these girls, and I am so grateful for such great friends! 


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