Tuesday, September 27, 2011

if you dont like the road you are walking on, start paving another one.

it's been a while since I have shared the real personal stuff. 
i've had a few things on my mind lately and thought I would write them down. 

it's taken months, YEARS even to get me to where I am today. for 5 years now I have struggled with depression, but as of today, I can say that I now know how to take control of it. That makes me proud. I've learned so much about myself and about others. I have learned that:

 crying is ok. 
you cant always change the way someone makes you feel, but you can change the way you react.
you can't make everyone understand what you are going through
you are not the only one who has this trial or is going through hard things
you can change regardless of how hard it may seem
the Lord loves us. 
it's OK to ask for help
It's ok if you have to be on medicine to make you sane. 
It's ok if you have to go talk to someone about your problems
forgiving others helps you forgive yourself
it often takes someone to bring you down for you to see how you need to be brought back up

my list could go on and on, but I wanted to say that I am proud of who I am today. I still have hard days. I still cry sometimes. I still feel lonely sometimes. I am in no way perfect. I still offend people and I still complain or am negative at times. But I am only human. I am tired of beating myself up for not being perfect. I feel so blessed to have the friends and family that I have who have helped me get through the hardest time of my life thus far. I feel so blessed to have a husband that loves me no matter the circumstance. I feel so blessed to have been given an opportunity from my Heavenly Father to bring a child to this earth. (cant wait to have her!) 

I love this quote above, if you dont like the road you are walking on, start paving another one. I can't tell you how many times people told that to me and I didn't listen. I don't know what got into me, but it all finally clicked and so I paved a new one. I paved a road where I relied on the Lord to help me- where I turned to my family if I needed extra love and company, a road where I was proud of who I can become and the things I have done in my life.

It has taken me a looong time to get here, to get to this 'happy place' and this happy place isn't always happy, believe me. But, it's a start. I don't care if others havent noticed a change in me, because I notice a change in me. That's all that matters. I can't let others dictate how I feel or who I become. It's all up to me.

here's to a happier me, and hopefully inspiring someone to get help if they need it too.. because it's going to be O.K.



The Duke said...

I can see a lot of change - and I see a sparkle in your eyes (when you aren't throwing up, of course) that hasn't been there for a long time. You are growing and maturing. You are more able to reach out to others without it being about yourself. You seem so much happier and I, too, am very proud of you. I love you, too.

Alexis Kaye said...

I really loved this Gillian. I can completely agree with so many of the feelings you expressed here. Thanks for sharin your lessons so I can learn from them too. And I am out of my skin excited for you to be a mommy!!!! :D

chelsey said...

This is me saying cheers to a happy you too!



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