Monday, August 22, 2011

Turning my weakness into strengths- not easy to do.

This is a venting post. A feelings post. a when is my weakness going to become a strength post? So, if you don't like those types of post, I warned you.

Today is one of those days that I feel broken down.

It's been a while since I have felt like this.

For so long I felt depressed and no self worth and just so low emotionally that I was ruining relationships. Often when you can't take care of yourself, you cant take care of others either.

So, I decided to take care of myself and go to counseling, and be brave and try out a few different medications. Once I found the one I like, and got used to counseling, I felt like I could conquer the world. I felt confident again, and strong, and brave, and like I was back to who I really was before I got depressed. I mended relationships that were on the fence, I taught myself that not being perfect is OK. I held my tongue when I really wanted to stay something opinionated that could come off mean. I really felt good about myself and where I was headed. I didn't hang around people who made me feel the need to be negative. I gave people the benefit of the doubt. Who knows if anyone has even noticed a change in me.

But, this week, I have felt like I have taken 2 steps backward. Through all of that, I have tried to convince myself that I am not that person. Not the person who has to share their opinion, not the person who gets offended or chooses to be mad, not the person who makes mistakes or hurts peoples feelings. I have tried to convince myself that I was perfectly happy with myself and that I didn't need to blog about how I really felt deep down inside because those were dramatic feelings.

But all of that is a lie. I am not perfect by any means. I always make mistakes. I seem to hurt peoples feelings or not be thoughtful all the time. I seem to take offense to everything. I haven't shared how I really feel for a long time and it feels good to write about it now. To me, it's not dramatic, because feelings are real. I can control the way I react, I can't control the way people make me feel. For the most part, I really do feel as though I have changed from this depressed person to who I really want to be for now. I feel like I have worked REALLY hard to be where I am at now. I feel like I have WAY more good days than bad days. I feel like I rarely cry anymore and that I don't hold grudges. I have learned a lot, but there is still soooo much to learn.

My sister in law mentioned something to me today, she said "God shows us our weaknesses to make them strengths." I know thats true.. but I have been feeling like I am being showed my weaknesses daily and wonder when they will become strengths? Obviously there is still something to learn here.

I just feel so broken down today. I feel emotionally drained. I have realized that something that really makes life hard for me is when I hurt someones feelings un-intentionally and its taken so serious to the fact that the person can't see who I really am or what I really meant. I don't even have time to explain myself. I wish I could stop myself from ever hurting peoples feelings, but I am only human, right? I do feel as though I recognize that I am at fault many times and I feel like that's the first step to changing. But when is the change going to happen? Am I always going to struggle with feelings of self consciousness? Am I always going to struggle to feel welcomed or accepted wherever I am? Some people may think I am strong, but I feel so weak at times.

I look at my sister Adrianne- now that's a strong woman. Someone who has just gone through the loss of her child, and yet can still find positive things to say and find the time to call me and check on me and give me advice. I want to be strong like that. Strong enough to put my problems aside to help someone else. Someday.

But- at the same time, I do feel as though I am a thoughtful person. I do occasionally send cards or give gifts to neighbors. I call my siblings or text my in laws that I love them. I babysit free and willingly for anyone. I do hair free for family. I cook meals for people who had a baby or are sick. Not trying to boast for what I have done or to get credit, I just wanted to remind myself of the things I have done so I know I am not that terrible of a person.. right? I feel like I have done a lot, but has it been enough? I know there is always room to improve.

I guess it's always a good reminder for someone to tell you your flaws because it helps you want to improve. But, I won't say it's easy to hear people point out your flaws. And this week, its been apparent that I have a LOT of flaws.

heres to keepin it real. again.


Ty and Whitty said...

I have only met you once in person but in that one day I saw how adorable you are. You are so sweet and genuine. When I got home I told my husband I want to be her friend. Ha ha I say that when I meet someone totally awesome.

PaigeE said...

You always made me feel good at CFI. No one ever talked to me except for you. You are a good person, we all have flaws. At least you're trying to be better. That's a heck of a lot more than most people can say.

Mike and Adrianne said...

Something I learned recently is what i posted on mom and dad's blog a while ago--"what someone sees as poop, someone else sees as fertilizer." Heavenly Father sees you exactly as you are, strengths and weaknesses. He still loves you and he will show you what those weaknesses are. You just have to be open to seeing them and changing them. If others are going to give you a chance to change them then that is their loss and problem. But Heavenly Father does know the steps you are taking to change and that's all that matters. You are a very generous, giving person Gilly and I'm sorry that you are having a hard time with this. Just remember that others aren't perfect either and don't hold it against them. Love you.

Kira And James Morris said...

I agree with Adrianne. It's all about perspective. Everyone is different and unique. Everyone is at different places in their lives, that is why is so important not to judge but especially not to compare. I too struggle with being self conscience about my flaws and weaknesses, but I have learned not to be so hard on myself. I actually think this might always be a problem and struggle for me. Some struggles don't every truly go away.. They are just made bearable, and how we endure is our test. You are a absolutely great person and I love your blog. I really do hope I can become HALF the person you are... you inspire me to be more honest in my own blog and I have. Thank you. I am so excited for you and everything going on. I just know things will fall into place and things will work out how they are supposed to, in the mean time just hang in there!!! Stay close to the Lord. :)

Natalie Willmore said...

Gillian, in the short time I have known you I have appreciated that "real" side of you.
You are very talented and my favorite hairdresser in the whole wide world. I feel like you sometimes. Why do I feel like I am not progressing?
I have decided that I have to do something about that. Even if everything is constant around me, even if people continue to offend or treat me differently, I can change for the better. It's a hard concept to adapt to, but a good one.
If you ever need someone to talk to, call me. I get you and talking is one of my specialties. Good luck with everything ;)

The Duke said...

Gillian, the one thing I would encourage you to continue to do is deepen your testimony of the Savior. He knows your inner struggles. He knows your intent even if others don't. He knows you intimately and He has promised He will lighten our burdens. I'm not quite sure how to hand the burdens over, but I believe it comes through a very deep relationship with Him. He is the one that can heal your heart and soften others' hearts.
You are an amazing young woman that has had more than her share of trials. But you are working hard to get to a point where you feel good about yourself and where you can go forward without so much emotional pain. I think you are almost there.
Focus on your wonderful experience getting ready to be a mother and don't worry about things you can't change and people that won't change. Just keep working hard like you are and I think your life will be filled with unspeakable joy.
Love you.

Ashley Rose said...

Email me. I need to tell you about some awesome counseling that I have recently participated in.


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