This is a venting post. A feelings post. a when is my weakness going to become a strength post? So, if you don't like those types of post, I warned you.
Today is one of those days that I feel broken down.
It's been a while since I have felt like this.
For so long I felt depressed and no self worth and just so low emotionally that I was ruining relationships. Often when you can't take care of yourself, you cant take care of others either.
So, I decided to take care of myself and go to counseling, and be brave and try out a few different medications. Once I found the one I like, and got used to counseling, I felt like I could conquer the world. I felt confident again, and strong, and brave, and like I was back to who I really was before I got depressed. I mended relationships that were on the fence, I taught myself that not being perfect is OK. I held my tongue when I really wanted to stay something opinionated that could come off mean. I really felt good about myself and where I was headed. I didn't hang around people who made me feel the need to be negative. I gave people the benefit of the doubt. Who knows if anyone has even noticed a change in me.
But, this week, I have felt like I have taken 2 steps backward. Through all of that, I have tried to convince myself that I am not that person. Not the person who has to share their opinion, not the person who gets offended or chooses to be mad, not the person who makes mistakes or hurts peoples feelings. I have tried to convince myself that I was perfectly happy with myself and that I didn't need to blog about how I really felt deep down inside because those were dramatic feelings.
But all of that is a lie. I am not perfect by any means. I always make mistakes. I seem to hurt peoples feelings or not be thoughtful all the time. I seem to take offense to everything. I haven't shared how I really feel for a long time and it feels good to write about it now. To me, it's not dramatic, because feelings are real. I can control the way I react, I can't control the way people make me feel. For the most part, I really do feel as though I have changed from this depressed person to who I really want to be for now. I feel like I have worked REALLY hard to be where I am at now. I feel like I have WAY more good days than bad days. I feel like I rarely cry anymore and that I don't hold grudges. I have learned a lot, but there is still soooo much to learn.
My sister in law mentioned something to me today, she said "God shows us our weaknesses to make them strengths." I know thats true.. but I have been feeling like I am being showed my weaknesses daily and wonder when they will become strengths? Obviously there is still something to learn here.
I just feel so broken down today. I feel emotionally drained. I have realized that something that really makes life hard for me is when I hurt someones feelings un-intentionally and its taken so serious to the fact that the person can't see who I really am or what I really meant. I don't even have time to explain myself. I wish I could stop myself from ever hurting peoples feelings, but I am only human, right? I do feel as though I recognize that I am at fault many times and I feel like that's the first step to changing. But when is the change going to happen? Am I always going to struggle with feelings of self consciousness? Am I always going to struggle to feel welcomed or accepted wherever I am? Some people may think I am strong, but I feel so weak at times.
I look at my sister Adrianne- now that's a strong woman. Someone who has just gone through the loss of her child, and yet can still find positive things to say and find the time to call me and check on me and give me advice. I want to be strong like that. Strong enough to put my problems aside to help someone else. Someday.
But- at the same time, I do feel as though I am a thoughtful person. I do occasionally send cards or give gifts to neighbors. I call my siblings or text my in laws that I love them. I babysit free and willingly for anyone. I do hair free for family. I cook meals for people who had a baby or are sick. Not trying to boast for what I have done or to get credit, I just wanted to remind myself of the things I have done so I know I am not that terrible of a person.. right? I feel like I have done a lot, but has it been enough? I know there is always room to improve.
I guess it's always a good reminder for someone to tell you your flaws because it helps you want to improve. But, I won't say it's easy to hear people point out your flaws. And this week, its been apparent that I have a LOT of flaws.
heres to keepin it real. again.