Sunday, May 22, 2011

am i being selfish for wanting some free time?

do you ever feel like you are so busy and so many things are pulling you in different ways?

i do.

especially right now.

i feel like i am involved in so many things that i dont have time for myself or my husband, or my apartment for that matter.

back in january i thought being busy would be the best thing for my depression, which it really has been good because it's helped me focus on the positive and not dwell on the negative.

but. now, it's getting to me. i'm so busy that i never make dinner anymore. i don't do the dishes every day. i don't make the bed everyday. i dont work out anymore. i hardly do anything productive. after a long day of work at one of my 3 jobs, i just want to come home and blog, craft, or snuggle with my hubby. i don't want to clean, or work out, or write thank you notes, or hang out or anything. we don't have family night, because i work monday nights. we don't EVER have time to go the the temple because kev works days and i work nights. i never see kev either.

i work at haven salon, which is actually my favorite place to be besides home with my hubby. i am just now for the first time ever- getting so motivated about doing hair and building my clientele. i love every minute i am there. i am making pretty good money there and doing the thing i went to school for- so obviously it's something i love to do. i also work teaching musical theater once a week on fridays. not only do i teach about 25 students, i have to pick costumes out for them, choose their music, get the music cut, put on an hour show with them as the stars at the end of the year, choreograph the whole show.. i mean, it's a huge responsibility, and i do it all by myself. i also work as a receptionist at the utah school of music and dance. i love that job as well. i am in a great atmosphere with possibly the best bosses in the world. i answer phones, register new students, run errunds, make posters for events coming up, register us for parades, set up all kinds of events like the coming up student appreciation day- i basically do it all. i really like that job because i get to work on the computer and with people every day, and hear wonderful music all day.

but heres the problem. i feel like my energy is being pulled in so many different ways, that i don't even have time to take care of myself. what should i do? i could do without the musical theater because it doesnt pay much, but it's really fun and i love my students and i love to sing and dance.. i never want to quit hair because that is my career and i am good at it... and i enjoy my other job too - that is nice to know i can always cover my apartment rent incase hair is slow one month. but now that i am so busy, i feel tired all the time and i am getting sooo lazy. i really just wish i could focus all my energy on hair and know for sure that i would always be able to support our family incase kevin ever lost his job (which he never would because his company loves him) but i know that isn't realistic knowing the nature of the job.. it's so hit and miss from week to week. i could make nothing one week, and $600 the next week. you never know.

i have been up talking to kevin about this for about an hour weighing out my options and i really can't come to a decision. for me- time is more valuble than money. money doesnt mean hardly anything to me. i only care about having enough to support our family and kevin through school. i didnt grow up with a lot of money so i can easily live without it. but- kevin is a huge believer of no credit cards and no debt and whatnot. (so thankful for that). we only have 2 school loans that are under $3,000 so thats really the only debt we have... but kevin is worried that if i quit one job we may not have enough to pay tuition each semester and then we would have to get another loan. we don't really qualify for hardly any pelgrants either. so- see my predicament?

i want to take care of myself. i want to loose weight, and feel healthy, and look healthy. i want to have great success in my hair business. i want to have time to make and keep great, genuine, best friends. i want to have time to make dinner for my sweet husband who works so hard all day long. i want to have time to keep my apartment clean so i can feel the spirit more clearly in my home (its so hard to feel at peace in a dirty home- and not saying mine is gross because really its not bad.. i just have ocd a little.) i want to have time to visit family. i want to have time to call up a girlfriend to visit. i just want to take care of myself. do you think that's more important?

kevin told me tonight that he thinks its been good for me to stay busy because he said he has noticed a huge change in me- i don't cry hardly at all anymore, i don't get as moody and i don't get sad much anymore. but now, i kinda feel like i don't feel anymore. i am just going through the motions.

so, i need advice. what do you think i should do? i have started praying about it and hopefully heavenly father will give me peace of mind and help me make the right decision. i think people think i am lazy because i always do this. i get a second job besides from hair and then after a while i quit because i get to busy and then i feel like after i quit i have too much free time. i'm not lazy when it comes to making money for our family, i promise. i do support kevin and i feel as equal as he is- he works so hard too for our family.

what to do, what to do?

i can't even sleep tonight- it's 12:15 am and I am wide awake having a huge anxiety problem with this. i need to be patient in getting an answer but sometimes patience is not my best friend... :) it may not seem like a big deal to you, but it really is to me. i think about it all day and have been for a month now. i know nobody likes to work. everybody wants free time. do you think i am being selfish for wanting to just do one job part time?

just had to get it off my chest. hope some of you can give me some insight. comments and advice much appreciated at this time!

now i just hope i can get some sleep... off to a long week of work.. work.. work.


Kira said...

Free Agency =Choosing right from wrong. Moral Agency =giving your time freely. The only thing we can give our Heavenly Father (That isnt already borrowed ) Is how we spend our time. I feel the same way you do. I think its the best and hardest times of our lives.. with school and preparing for a family someday... but all hard work pays off. I too, get easily stressed out and have a lot of anxiety if i get too busy. However... too much free time leaves your mind to wonder ( i know this from experience) and I think that is worse. --Like your husband is saying. Its really a personal choice, but I say keep doing what your doing... but plan a little something on the weekend that will get you excited to push through the week.. And then also plan a mini vacation with Kev. It doesnt have to cost money, just something to look forward too. I know that helps me get through work each week. Soon enough You and I both will be Mothers and THAT will be even busier. Sadly Life never slows down, but thats okay! :) Good luck.

The Robisons said...

I totally agree with the last post. Sean and I work different schedules so sometimes we don't get to see each other very often. We've gotten better at planning out and spending the time we do have together more wisely, like making time for dates. Sean is also a very debt free guy, so I understand that! I also have to tell myself that these schedules won't last our whole lives and we have eternity together. So even if you just do it until Kevin's done with school, then maybe you'll be given the opportunity to just cut it down to hair. I also just thought of something from a conference talk by Elder Cook from this last conference. (It's a really good talk you should read it all!) "Women are confronted with many options and need to prayerfully consider the choices they make and how those choices affect the family".

PaigeE said...

Do what feels right for you. Imagine your life without one of the jobs. Does it make you feel happy or sad? Maybe ask the music/dance place if you could take a little time off and see how it feels(If that's a possibility, anyway).
Good luck. I know how hard it is to wait for answers to prayers but it all works out in the end!
Love you lots.

Mrs.Danielle.Warren said...

You are not the only one who feels like this. Working in an industry where we only get paid by the client is always going to be a stressful thing, especially if it's our main source of income. All that can be said is to just hang in there! One day you wont have to worry about school & you will be debit free! You & your hubby will have your own house, your little family is gonna grow, working 3 jobs & having no time right on is all going to be worth it!
I like what Kira said about having a mini vacation with your hubby. Do that for yourself too! If you only have an hour for girl time, I'll be there!

Amy said...

If being busy makes you feel happier, stay busy, maybe just give yourself at least one night a week for you time and Kevin time :).

Christene said...

When Anthony and I were first married we NEVER saw eachother. We worked completely opposite schedules. It was really hard and I was really moody and emotional all the time. But about midway through all of it I finally just started having a more postive attitude. Started thinking that this isn't going to last forever and that I should be grateful we both have good jobs. So my advice is even though its stinking hard maybe you should just stick through it and forget the house cleaning stuff! I think that spouse time is waaay more important than having a clean house. I think that it will all work out in the end, you just have to get through the tough stuff first.

The Thomas Family said...

I completely understand how you feel although I'm only working one full time job. I feel like I have absolutely no time for T.C., my daughter, my house, cooking, and me. It's really been a struggle for me. I have major anxiety a lot of the time and am constantly SO stressed out. I would say to listen to your heart and pray. That's what I've been doing and just hoping things will work out for the best. You definitely need to have time for yourself and for your hubby because once you have children that time is even harder to come by.

Bre And Drew said...

Don't let the little things get to you! Even with no job, there will be days where you don't want to do the dishes or make the bed. But one day you'll look back on this time where you and kev both worked so hard to make your future lives better. And you'll be grateful for it! I've been struggling with the same thing. I want to have the perfect family and have family nights and dinner on the table every night but, we're just not at that place in our lives yet! We just need to focus on school right now and enjoying any spare moment we have together. And you'll forgive yourself for the housework later. :) I think you are awesome for doing what you do. Very strong person. Keep it up, but do listen to the spirit and if you need to cut back a little, find ways to do it. just not so much that you're back to being bored and sad.

DeLana said...

Remember it isn't always easy to choose what is important and what is not when all of the choices are good. Remember that you need to choose what is best over what is good. For almost 14 years I felt the way you do. It took my husband losing his job for us to evaluate what "best" really is for us and our family. For us "best" was getting up at 4:30a once a month to do baptisms at the temple because that is what fit our schedule time wise. "Best" was limiting our extra curriculars to 1 night a week each, and making sure we had date night even if that meant a movie in. I too suffer from depression along with fibromyalgia +. Being busy has been good, but being too busy has been detramental to my physical,mental and spiritual well being. I love my job, but have discovered that I needed an outlet that wasn't work related. My outlet happens to be cooking so I allow myself 30 minutes a day to peruse cookbooks or watch a cooking show. It was really hard at first to do that for myself, but I feel so rejuvinated. Making a list of priorities helped me choose the "best" over the "good" and "better" things. Remember you don't have to do it all by yourself and it is okay to say NO to some things without feeling guilty. Practice now because it is even harder when you have kids begging to do things. Most of all remember to pray and read your scriptures every day. That on its own makes a big difference in how refreshed you feel.

Sheena said...

I feel for you! I had the same conflict last summer, and came to the conclusion that I had to do what made me happy. As a mom, it's hard for your family to be happy if you aren't. Keeping busy and battling depression is quite the balancing act, And after 13 years I still don't have it down.
Bottom line, I totally understand what you are going through! Getting back to basics, the things that make you feel REALLY happy... it makes the biggest difference. Financially things always seem to work themselves out, just have faith. I would say just keep praying about it. I ended up leaving my job, re-dedicating myself to school, and doing photography more seriously. It has been the best choice I ever made.
Sorry that response is kinda all over the place. :P

Melissa and Jeff said...

you have amazing friends from reading these comments it helped me :]... really try go to the temple that has helped me recently in really hard decisions but don't second guess yourself if you get an answer...


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