Sunday, May 22, 2011
am i being selfish for wanting some free time?
do you ever feel like you are so busy and so many things are pulling you in different ways?
especially right now.
i feel like i am involved in so many things that i dont have time for myself or my husband, or my apartment for that matter.
back in january i thought being busy would be the best thing for my depression, which it really has been good because it's helped me focus on the positive and not dwell on the negative.
but. now, it's getting to me. i'm so busy that i never make dinner anymore. i don't do the dishes every day. i don't make the bed everyday. i dont work out anymore. i hardly do anything productive. after a long day of work at one of my 3 jobs, i just want to come home and blog, craft, or snuggle with my hubby. i don't want to clean, or work out, or write thank you notes, or hang out or anything. we don't have family night, because i work monday nights. we don't EVER have time to go the the temple because kev works days and i work nights. i never see kev either.
i work at haven salon, which is actually my favorite place to be besides home with my hubby. i am just now for the first time ever- getting so motivated about doing hair and building my clientele. i love every minute i am there. i am making pretty good money there and doing the thing i went to school for- so obviously it's something i love to do. i also work teaching musical theater once a week on fridays. not only do i teach about 25 students, i have to pick costumes out for them, choose their music, get the music cut, put on an hour show with them as the stars at the end of the year, choreograph the whole show.. i mean, it's a huge responsibility, and i do it all by myself. i also work as a receptionist at the utah school of music and dance. i love that job as well. i am in a great atmosphere with possibly the best bosses in the world. i answer phones, register new students, run errunds, make posters for events coming up, register us for parades, set up all kinds of events like the coming up student appreciation day- i basically do it all. i really like that job because i get to work on the computer and with people every day, and hear wonderful music all day.
but heres the problem. i feel like my energy is being pulled in so many different ways, that i don't even have time to take care of myself. what should i do? i could do without the musical theater because it doesnt pay much, but it's really fun and i love my students and i love to sing and dance.. i never want to quit hair because that is my career and i am good at it... and i enjoy my other job too - that is nice to know i can always cover my apartment rent incase hair is slow one month. but now that i am so busy, i feel tired all the time and i am getting sooo lazy. i really just wish i could focus all my energy on hair and know for sure that i would always be able to support our family incase kevin ever lost his job (which he never would because his company loves him) but i know that isn't realistic knowing the nature of the job.. it's so hit and miss from week to week. i could make nothing one week, and $600 the next week. you never know.
i have been up talking to kevin about this for about an hour weighing out my options and i really can't come to a decision. for me- time is more valuble than money. money doesnt mean hardly anything to me. i only care about having enough to support our family and kevin through school. i didnt grow up with a lot of money so i can easily live without it. but- kevin is a huge believer of no credit cards and no debt and whatnot. (so thankful for that). we only have 2 school loans that are under $3,000 so thats really the only debt we have... but kevin is worried that if i quit one job we may not have enough to pay tuition each semester and then we would have to get another loan. we don't really qualify for hardly any pelgrants either. so- see my predicament?
i want to take care of myself. i want to loose weight, and feel healthy, and look healthy. i want to have great success in my hair business. i want to have time to make and keep great, genuine, best friends. i want to have time to make dinner for my sweet husband who works so hard all day long. i want to have time to keep my apartment clean so i can feel the spirit more clearly in my home (its so hard to feel at peace in a dirty home- and not saying mine is gross because really its not bad.. i just have ocd a little.) i want to have time to visit family. i want to have time to call up a girlfriend to visit. i just want to take care of myself. do you think that's more important?
kevin told me tonight that he thinks its been good for me to stay busy because he said he has noticed a huge change in me- i don't cry hardly at all anymore, i don't get as moody and i don't get sad much anymore. but now, i kinda feel like i don't feel anymore. i am just going through the motions.
so, i need advice. what do you think i should do? i have started praying about it and hopefully heavenly father will give me peace of mind and help me make the right decision. i think people think i am lazy because i always do this. i get a second job besides from hair and then after a while i quit because i get to busy and then i feel like after i quit i have too much free time. i'm not lazy when it comes to making money for our family, i promise. i do support kevin and i feel as equal as he is- he works so hard too for our family.
what to do, what to do?
i can't even sleep tonight- it's 12:15 am and I am wide awake having a huge anxiety problem with this. i need to be patient in getting an answer but sometimes patience is not my best friend... :) it may not seem like a big deal to you, but it really is to me. i think about it all day and have been for a month now. i know nobody likes to work. everybody wants free time. do you think i am being selfish for wanting to just do one job part time?
just had to get it off my chest. hope some of you can give me some insight. comments and advice much appreciated at this time!
now i just hope i can get some sleep... off to a long week of work.. work.. work.