Monday, April 4, 2011

its been a good week

this last week has been a really good week.

I am finally learning how to cope with depression.

I have been going to counseling for the past month. At first, I was not certain I wanted to go... but I prayed about it and knew it was the right choice. Like I said before, my counselor is awesome and I have been learning a lot about myself. First off- I can't expect everyone to understand. I think that's been my biggest problem so far. Especially with my family and close friends. I have just EXPECTED them to understand. But, that isn't possible.. it's like me saying I understand what it's like to be in a wheel chair.. which would be stupid to say since I have never experienced that. I can't expect others to drop what they are doing and come to my aid and tell me they understand.... chances are, they don't understand. They have never been through it. They have not had the same thoughts about themselves like I do about myself. So, after realizing I can't expect understanding, it's gotten better. I can however expect my close friends and family to support me and love me- because that's what friends and family do. They love unconditionally.

Another thing I have been working on, is not blaming myself for things. I have had to learn to forgive myself. It's not my fault I have a chemical imbalance in my brain and that I got these trials. It's no ones fault. It's just part of life. It's just my trial. One that apparently God thought I was super strong for... (really?) I can't imagine how strong I will be at the end of this..

At my last session with my counselor, he was noticing that I move my body alot and can't sit still. I also can't finish a story when I am talking. I say um a lot and loose my spot in the story.. {haha...} so he asked me to do an activity. He dimmed the lights, and had me sit and stare at a painting of Christ he has in his office. He turned up the soft music (that has no words) and asked me to sit and just think about what is happening in the painting, and don't move my fingers, feet or toes. I kid you not, it was the hardest thing of my life! If any of you know me well, you know that 1- I always move my feet, fingers, toes, or legs. 2- I rock myself to sleep 3- I do not know how to concentrate. and 4- I always have a million jobs or things going on at once.
After sitting there, and telling him I could not do it anymore and it was awkward, he said- um, you have ADHD and ADD. pretty bad. I said- well, that aint' news to me! haha! Pretty sure I have known that for a while- but to hear him say it outloud- was a little sad. I guess I have to accept it now. He wants me to get on some medicine. I think it would make people like me a little more because I wouldn't be so loud or hyper {although I must say, I have calmed down a ton since high school} BUT- would it make me a different person? I am scared to be someone I am not. If I all the sudden become calm, will people think I am more depressed or that something is wrong when they are around me? If I am not my normal bubbly outgoing self, will people think I don't like them? I dont know. I will have to pray about it..

I do feel like I am learning how to deal with it though- and I haven't had ONE breakdown almost 2 weeks! That's amazing! I haven't cried at all in 2 weeks! That's fantastic news for me. However- before I get my hopes up too high, I started a new depression medicine yesterday because my insurance won't cover my lexapro. We tried getting it preauthorized but they denied it. Bummer... So, hopefully this one works.

I found this new blog called Divorced and 21. Her name is Ashley, and I instantly love her. Her honesty is seriously refreshing. You should read her blog. It's sad, but yet inspiring- through all she has gone through she has picked up and is moving straight forward. I like her honestly. She even asked me to do a post on her blog- like a 'how to' for hair styles or something! Fun!

Today I had guitar lessons. I seriously love it so far. I am picking up pretty fast. I have been practicing a ton. I can't wait till I can play and sing at the same time!!! I love my guitar teacher. He is also my boss.. haha! I take them here at the Utah School of Music & Dance. He said he can tell I am practicing a lot and I am doing really well for only having 2 lessons so far! :) I am telling you, some day, I will make a record...

I really like cheez-its. I am snacking on them as we speak. They are sooo good. And oh so fattening. I guess I better get to the gym tonight....

Guess what. Kev and I are getting a HUGE tax return this year!!! Holy blessings! I am SO grateful we don't have to pay. 

On a last note, I bought the cutest ruffle checkbook cover today. I can't wait till I get it in the mail. When I do, I will do a post on it.

we watched conference at my moms yesterday. It was awesome. I loved it. and, the food was great. we made cafe rio! also, we got to skype with my sister chels and her family! holy crap, I can't wait to fly out to jersey in less than a month to spend 9 days with her.. I'm counting down!

now I am just at work listenin to good ol miranda lambert. perfect way to end my day at work. :)


Jess and Jen said...

Gunpowder and lead... -Jess

Mike and Adrianne said...

Sounds like things are going well. I'll call you this week. Love you!

Kyka and Ev said...

you seem do be doing really well right now. that is great!

The Duke said...

When did the counselor tell you that you had ADHD? You didn't tell me on Sunday. I wasn't sure it it was that or maybe bi-polar because you are so active.
Mixing depression and ADHD drugs can be really bad if it isn't done by the right doctor. Be careful. Maybe call Sam Coates and run this by him - or have the counselor give you a name of a psychiatrist. I think this would have to be monitored very carefully. I'm glad you have had a good week.
You were a joy yesterday.

The Dayleys said...

I love this post!! I love that your always honest and plus the update is fabulous :) luv ya lady

Mrs.Danielle.Warren said...

So many things to comment on! 1. I'm glad that counseling is working out for you! I have the hardest time just telling my husband how I'm feeling; there is no way I could talk to someone else about it. You are very strong! 2. Go guitar lessons! 3. I am way jealous that you are going to Jersey. Have a great trip!

Amy said...

Wow - big news post! I love Miranda LAmbert -- her songs are awesome, I love how positive you are - you are AWESOME & adorable, yeay for tax returns - & about taking the medication... I'm not a doctor -- but I think they just moderate your levels so you aren't too hyper...? Maybe ask your dr?? Love your posts, you inspire me :).

Ty and Whitty said...

I love to read your honesty to read about a real person I used to think that connecting to someone through a blog would be impossible but as I read your experiences I just feel so connected, like if i met you we would get along great. I am so glad you are doing well and you are just way too cute. Thank you for sharing all your experiences you are helping a lot of people without even knowing it


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