Thursday, January 20, 2011

My eating behavior is getting in the way of my life

Grocery Shopping. 

The dreaded deed. 

I do not know how I quite feel about this deed. Yes, I love food, and yes, I love to see my cupboards and fridge full, but no, I do not like to spend the money, no I do not like to put the food away (Well, actually, that one isn't too bad) and no, I don't like meal planning. Let me expound a little. 

I am a picky eater. VERY picky. Probably the pickiest you will ever meet. I hate it. It's one of my worst flaws. From the time I can remember eating, I have always hated something on the dinner table or menu for the week. I struggled a lot. I still do. Maybe more so than I used to but in a different way. 

I hate everything from onions, to tomatoes, peas, green beans, strawberries, raspberries, mangos, applesauce, any sea food, any jam except for grape, sharp cheese, provolone cheese... gosh I could go on forever. Embarrassing that I could. 

When I was younger, my mom would make is eat what she was making for dinner or we wouldn't eat. I would cry at the dinner table for hours- all because she wanted me to eat a spoonful of peas! I used to love eggs, and then one time I choked on them and then another time they weren't cooked the way I liked them, so I stopped eating them. I was in 4th grade when I stopped eating eggs. How ridiculous. I have now since gotten over that and love eggs. But it has taken a loooong time. And I like to cook them myself. 

I got so picky, that I would just start saying I didn't feel well or wasn't hungry and went to bed without food. I would just not eat. I didn't care. I would rather go without than eat what I didn't like. My mom I think got tired of fighting with me about it so when I got into high school, she would say 'make your own meal' and I would be sitting eating a PB&J while everyone else is eating chicken pillows with mushrooms in it. Wow, how gourmet were my homemade sandwiches! I was always really really skinny growing up. I danced a lot and kinda have ADD and always have to be moving- so my metabolism was high. But, I never ate hardly anything. 

Breakfast is the hardest meal of the day for me. I like pancakes and french toast and biscuits and eggs and everything, but I HATE eating breakfast for breakfast. I hate eating breakfast period. Why? Because every single morning for as long as I could remember, I was nauseated when I woke up. I don't know if it's because I was always getting up early for school and take a long time to wake up or what- but I hated eating it. I would FORCE a piece of toast down my throat. Most of the time, I was starving when I got up, but the thought of eggs or breakfast food made the nausea worse, so I would eat a turkey sandwich for breakfast. Call me weird. I know. I still wake up nauseated every morning and have a hard time eating. Now, I usually eat a tiny breakfast at 9 or 10, lunch around 12, a snack around 3, and dinner at 6. 

In High School, I didn't even really eat lunch a lot. Mostly because we never had food to take to lunch from home and because I hated school lunch. If I had money, I would sometimes go out with my friends for lunch and spend a dollar on the value menu at wendys or something. But most of the time, I went without. Then, I would go directly to dance until about 7 or 8 after school. That meant that by the time I got home, I was almost passing out, and had to eat the biggest meal. I was always starving! Reason being, I never ate during the day. Hardly EVER. But then, even though my body would scream hunger, I would get really sick after I ate because I would eat so much- but my stomach had shrunk from not eating all day. I have no idea how I made it through my days. Honestly. I had developed an eating disorder- although, I truthfully NEVER once threw up after eating or made myself do that type of thing. I hate throwing up way too much. I never really thought if it that way, but now that I look back on it, I really think that's what it was. I always thought I was so fat too- but I would give ANYTHING!!! to weigh what I weighed in high school. I had such a great body. 

Now, my struggle isn't so much not eating, as it is not being able to get over my pickyness. It's soo hard. I get anxiety when people ask us over for dinner because I never know if I am going to like what it is to eat. But then, I hate when people ask me- oh, is this going to be ok? Do you like this? It's so embarrassing. I feel like a 5 year old. BUT- I still cant get over it. I hate textures. I am also very VERY sensitive to smells. If I don't like the smell, I wont eat it. 

So, bring us back to the grocery store. 

I hate going and trying to figure out meal plans for the week. There are only a few things I really really like. (Ok, thats exaggerated. I like a lot of things. But I feel like I make the same meals.) It's just so hard to venture out and try something new. I find it hard to buy stuff that would make a meal- instead I like to buy things like bread or crackers, lots of pasta, chicken, taco stuff.. I always buy the same things. I stare at the food on the shelf. I walk the whole store for an hour. Even if I am only getting a few things. Why can't I try something new?

How am I ever going to get over this? This is seriously a huge struggle to me. I hate eating at new restaurants because I don't know anything thats in the place. It's all foreign to me. The food seriously speaks "DANGER!" right to my brain. I know part of it is in my head, but part of it is that I may like the taste of it, but I hate the texture (strawberries are an example of this)

Now, I don't dance every day like I used to and I eat really un-healthily. (chips, sandwiches, pizza, LOTS of carbs, chocolate...) I feel like I am headed for fat street if I don't get over being picky. It's horrible. I have nightmares about it. I never want to be fat. Like biggest looser fat. How do people even get that big? Do they just eat all day and not take care of themselves? I can't see myself ever getting that big. Never. But I'm sure thats what they all said too.. haha!

I read an article the other day about adult picky eating. In one part, it said :  "their eating behavior was getting in the way of their job or social life, or they were worried about being bad role models for their kids, she said"

Bingo. How am I ever going to be a role model for my kids? How will I ever get them to not be like me? Then, it says: "Most people with this disorder are highly embarrassed by their limited food repertoire and will go to great lengths to keep it hidden, either by avoiding social events that involve food or drinks (which ones don't?), or by making up excuses to avoid eating, such as fibbing about an upset belly."

Ok, that's me too. (you can read the whole article HERE) I need to get over this. 

So, that is my secret. My secret that isn't so secret because everyone who knows me knows I am picky. Thanks to all of you for putting up with it. 

Does anyone else struggle from this? 


The Dayleys said...

I go through phases where I feel like I'm a picky person. For example I'm HIGHLY sensitive to freezer burn and I generally only taste in on beef. The other night I made taco salad.... the meet was NASTY, ended up gagging in the bathroom and the garbage can got to eat the rest of my dinner. LOL. Luckily I love lots of foods, fruits and veggies! I think everyone tends to go through stages :) My mom always told me that my taste buds will mature :) They have for the most part. Best of luck to you as you work on your pickiness :)

The Almonds said...

I am definitely a VERY picky eater!!! I could quite possibly be as bad as you or worse. I don't know how to fix it, I have tried but nothing is working :). Also your little story about eggs that was totally me!! haha I hated eggs but now I like them.

Jess said...

I think I am one of those insanely picky eaters. The only vegetable I can handle is corn, I only like certain fruits, oh my gosh...there are more things that I don't like than I do like. I have totally missed meals or just pretended to be sick so I didn't have to eat something I didn't like! I'm nervous about my kids too, being an example to them--luckily Mike LOVES most food, so we're set!

chelsey said...

Well, you know your nephew understands. Certainly no judgment here!

Mike and Adrianne said...

I don't have this problem but I am more senstive to smells and some textures. I don't like really slimy fruits or fruits with weird skins. But I am a lot better. I would say to just slowly work into it. I don't know if this works but maybe for strawberries for example, make something with a strawberry in it, not the whole strawberry. Like, a smoothie. Then you can get used to the taste and eventually work your way into eating the strawberry. I don't know. I do know that there are foods I never thought in a million years I'd eat and now I realize that there are so many ways to eat and make these foods taste good. Don't be ashamed. Some times it just doesn't work for us. But, you are right. You do need to figure out how to be healthy. In our family, I really think that is important. We don't exactly come with great genes.

Kira And James Morris said...

This is something I dont talk about much, but since you opened up, I guess I can too. I hope what I have to say offers you some sort of hope or help.

I too, about a year ago struggled with a "eating disorder" . After I got married I gained a tiny bit of weight from going on birth control. I hated it, So I watched my diet and started watching my calories. I started to work out at the gym too. I lost about 30 lbs, (which was too much) I had lived the life of lossing weight for so long, I didnt know how to maintain. I became SCARED of food. I never wanted to go out to eat and would avoid situations. (just like you) Long story short. One day I had enough.. I really had. I was super skinny and no energy. I was tired of living in fear. So, I prayed for strength and each day I would MAKE myself eat out with friends or try something new. I gained a little bit of weight (but it was needed ) and now I live a much healthier life style. Its not as easy as that. It does take work, and you really have to force yourself to do it. But the biggest tip that I can give you is to Have faith and self talk yourself and maybe even write your achievements. It doesnt mean my anxiety is completely recovered, but its manageable and I KNOW that you can too :) Good luck

Heather said...

When I read this all I could think was wow... yeah that all sounds right. I am one of the pickyest eaters I know and it's all about texture and smell, if the texture is off to what the taste should be I dislike it, or if it smells funny it's not happening, sometimes its even stuff that I just don't like on certain things (Pineapple on pizza) I won't tough oranges, strawberries, onions, etc. But I have the same fear with my children and I don't want them asking me why I am not eating the food that Dave and they are eating. So I now have a personal goal for myself to try one new food a month... so far I like artichoke hearts, pickles, cauliflower, honeydew, cucumbers, and green beans. It sucks stepping out from your comfort zone and I dunno about you but I am so overly sick with my family cause they always ask me if this is okay and tease me about how picky I am. Even if it's something I don't like I will find something I do like in it and pick around it... my plate isn't going to be clean but it'll be picked at...Which is why I started eating new things. I hope this helps and I understand what it's like. Glad to know I am not the only one out there. (And breakfast really does not ever sound good in the morning... lol)

Amy said...

I would have never guessed, I have tried a lot of quick/easy recipes on and love so many of them, and they have an ingredient finder so you can type in the types of ingredients you DO like and find recipes that way, just a thought!

Christene said...

I am just like you! So you shouldnt feel so bad. I hate it. I hate that I can't go anywhere without wondering if I'm goint to eat what they're serving. I feel so bad because I don't eat most of what my inlaws make and my parents too. It sucks. I mostly go without rather than trying to find something that fits my tastes. I feel so bad for my husband because I feel like we eat the same things every week.

Gillian Mohlman said...

Thanks everyone for the kind words of encouragement! It's so good to know that I'm not alone. Someday, I hope to get over this!

Sammi said...

Wow. This post is really offensive. I had an eating disorder for 4 years and literally almost died. YOU did not, nor have you had an eating disorder. Being picky and paranoid about food is an eating disorder tendency, not an actual disorder. Get your facts straight.


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