Sunday, December 5, 2010

The unthinkable

Today, I did the unthinkable.

I am so embarrassed.

I shared my biggest secret over the pulpit at church during testimony meeting. I guess it's not really a secret, but it's not really something I would share at church...

Here's how it went.

I was in a horrible mood this morning. I woke up to some heavy, painful cramps... much like I have been for the last week. I was soo tired. (our ward starts at 8) I left my makeup at the salon, so I couldn't do my makeup today. So, we get to sacrament (which is last) and I had noooo intention of sharing my testimony. First off, I was kinda ornery, and second off, I hate sharing it because I get so nervous and jumble my words.

But as I sat there, my heart beat sped up. Faster, and faster, and faster. To the point that I thought I was going to pass out or have a heart attack because it was so fast. I got sweaty, and instantly, the thought of 'you need to share your testimony and experience about the doctor visit you went to when you got on your depression pills' came into my head. I sat up. Um, nooo way am I sharing that. Why would I do that? That's like a very personal thing and not really a testimony builder for other people. People will think of me differently. I don't want that. I mean, I REALLY don't like when people get up and instead of sharing a testimony, its just a big long story or sob session about the things they are grateful for but in the end, they never even say anything they know to be true in their testimony. If I share this, thats what it will be! And I pushed the thought aside. But, it came back. I Seriously fought it for a good 20 minutes. But then, the prompting came. GO! So I got up and went. It was the strongest prompting I have EVER had in my life.

I got up there, heart beating, palms sweating, saliva forming. Someone was finishing their testimony. I thought, there is still time to back out. Fake a bad cough and run to get a drink and don't come back in...

But, when the girl finished her testimony, I literally felt the spirit lifting me out of my chair to take me up the pulpit.

I started off by saying I suffered from depression for the last 4 years. I thought I could handle it on my own, but as God showed me, you can't always get through trials on your own. He had led me to a doctor to get some help and so I finally got on a medication. I cried a little. I was super embarrassed to be sharing this over the pulpit.

But, I saw lots of tears fall from others faces, almost as if they related. As if they understood. Or, maybe they just felt bad for me. Or were embarrassed for me. I don't know.

But, the spirit told me I needed to share it. I ended with my testimony that sometimes God has to send trials to humble us and I know that God led me to get the help that I did, because slowly, I am starting to remember who I am, which is a daughter of God, who loves me, and loves each and every one of us. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to seek his help when needed. We can't do things alone.

I sat down after that.

I sit here and think, why in the heck would he want me to share that to people who have the tendency to judge, and to people who don't know the real me? For some people, that was the first impression they have had of me since there are many new members in our ward I don't yet know.

I just hope, that truly and sincerely, someone in that sacrament meeting needed to hear that. That someone could relate to me. That not everyone thinks i'm always depressed or sad. That they understand. That they felt the spirit.

I may never know why I was supposed to share that. Maybe it was for me. Maybe it was for me to say all of it out loud, almost like a reassurance that I am getting better, and that I know the Gospel is true.

Maybe, the unthinkable, was the thinkable. Maybe the impossible, is possible. I AM going to get better. I WILL get better. And I DO try harder.

Because I am a daughter of God.


Laura said...

You have been in my thoughts since I read about your courage in getting outside help. That certainly was not an easy thing to do, and here you go and do another extremely courageous thing by sharing your experiences with others. :) You very well may have been an "angel" for someone in your congregation today (see D&C of my absolute favorite scriptures). Love you Gill!!

The Duke said...

Perhaps there was someone there that needed to hear your message. It takes courage to share difficult things and I'm pretty sure that you were prompted by the Spirit to do so.
I hope you are finding more peace and that your ability to find happiness increases 10 fold.
Love you.


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