Friday, October 22, 2010

Not quite the path I chose...


Wow. It's hard. 

My friend Becca is training for a half marathon. 

Today she invited me to run 2 miles with her. YEA, 2 MILES. Thats more than I've ever run in my life. Haha, jk, but really, I have never run 2 miles in one run ever. I only ended up running 1 mile, and walking the other. I ran one or two blocks, then walked one or two blocks and kept going like that. Poor Becca, she probably had to go running after we were done. Hahahahaha. But hey, I'm proud of myself for doing it. hopefully later I will feel better, because I was breathing so hard when I got home and felt so light headed, that I came inside and barfed. woops. I'm not a runner. 

When I was in 6th grade, I ran like a 7 or 8 minute mile- and I was dancing every day, running around the neighborhood, and skinny as could be. I never enjoyed running. My mile just seemed to get worse and worse. 

I danced a lot. I lived to dance. I loved my teachers and friends at dance. It was my dream to become a professional dancer. When I was in 9th grade, I broke my foot and had to get a bone removed from it. I recovered quickly, (thank goodness, because I had paid for a dance camp in idaho for 2 weeks long and the surgery was only a month before!) and kept dancing. 

yep, thats me on top!
 Do I ever smile?

 K, this picture is creepy, it just shows how skinny I was though. 

In high school, I started singing too. I had been in a musical theater group at my dance studio and loved to sing. I  still danced, but singing became another love. Mr. Lunt (show choir teacher) made us run around the track every morning while we sang- try THAT! It was brutal. 

But, in high school running got a little easier for me since I was doing it more. Well, then comes along my big fat knee surgery when I was a junior. Yep, both done at the same time. I could hardly walk. It was a horrible experience. I remember thinking that my dancing could be over, but I had to keep pushing to get through the trial and get better. I had hurt my knees dancing. Not one big thing in particular, just the normal wear and tear of a dancer got to my knees. I got what is called a bilateral release. "lateral release is a surgical procedure to release tight capsular structures (lateral retinaculum) on the outer aspect (lateral aspect) of the kneecap. This is usually performed because of knee pain related to the kneecap (patella) being pulled over to the outer (lateral) side and not being able to run properly in the centre of the groove of the femur bone as the knee bends and straightens. The procedure is also known as a 'lateral retinacular release'." - from wikipedia. 
I didnt kneel for like a year. I would cry when we had to kneel in the morning for family prayer because it hurt so bad. I quickly learned that dancing the way I used to wasn't going to work out anymore. I ended up quitting dance at the end of my junior year. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I cried at every show they did after I quit. I still cry sometimes. I especially cry when I see my sister dancing at BYU or hear her talking about it because its everything I ever wanted to do, that my body didn't let me do. 

My senior year, I threw myself into singing. Full force. When I was a junior I was in Ambassadors and Accapella- I loved it. I had many solos and discovered my voice. When I was a senior though, I became more serious. I made a group called Encore that was only 12 people in it. 6 boys, 6 girls. Its a very hard group to make and you have to be able to read music pretty well and pick up songs fast. 

Here are some pics of my show choir group when I was a senior in high school. 

Well, now it's been 4 or 5 years since I have been a 'dancer' although I still dance here and there because I teach at the studio now. I always planned on going to BYU to be a cougarette, or to be on Young Ambassadors... but both years when I went to try out for Young Ambassadors, the week before try outs something major would happen. I tore my ligaments one year, and I cant remember what happened the other year. It has been one of my dreams to be a Young Ambassador- but I have felt the distinct NO- it is not meant for me. 

Why? Why do we get told no to things we really really want? Instead of college, I chose hair school. I struggled my whole way through hair school. I hated the school, the instructors, the girls, the only thing I liked was the hair part. I never really got along with anyone in hair school. It took me a little under 2 years to finish. After hair school, I didnt start doing hair until 10 months after I graduated because I needed a break. Instead, I got married, and had a job blogging for Cedar Fort. Now that I am working in a salon, I love it and I'm good at it, but I wonder, is that what I really always wanted to do? What is my purpose? Why do I still not feel 100% about my career choice? Why am I always wishing I did something else? (or more for a better word). 

The other day I was talking and kind of crying to my mom about how hard it was to watch how amazing my little sister is at dance and basically everything she does. She excels at everything she does. She is on the BYU tap team, she sings, she wants to try out for all the other dance teams and Young Ambassadors next year. Trust me, I am so proud of her. Envious of her. She just makes me proud every day. I just wish God would have let me take the path I wanted. But my mom said that there must be something better out there for me because of all the trials I had in trying to get where I wanted to be. Surgeries, torn ligaments, broken feet, migraines in high school, struggling through hair school.... 

But when am I going to find that out? Sometimes its just frustrating. I cant even go to a Young Ambassadors concert without crying because that should be ME up there! I know I have a talent, I can sing and dance, I just wish I could put some good use to them. Teaching is fun, don't get me wrong, and I love it, but sometimes, I wish I was the one out there inspiring others to do good and be better. (At least thats how I feel when I hear a good singer or see a good dancer.) 

Now, I've gained weight, feel crappy about myself, not sure where life is going next. I have my career, but I don't feel satisfied. I need something more. I feel like I just haven't reached my potential that I though I would reach by now. 

So today, thats the thoughts running brought out in me. Sounds funny, but it did. It felt good to get some exercise, but it was embarrassing that I couldn't even run a whole mile without wanting to die. Haha. I mean, I could dance for hours and not get tired. Running, is just not my thing. Maybe someday it will. I've always wanted to be a runner. I envy my friend Becca for being able to run so much! 

Well, thats it for today. Do any of you feel like you were directed in a path you thought you would never take? Maybe someday I will find my path in being a mother...


The Colemans said...

I was reading your blog post today and it reminded me a lot of how I've felt in the past. I honestly can tell you that, that is exactly how I felt after graduating from college and even in college. I kept asking myself why me? I even compared myself to Noah and how amazing he's done in the art program at BYU. I'm not trying to say this to say, "Look at me!" but I finally found something I love. I guess what I'm trying to say is hang in there. I spent so many hours crying about it to Noah and friends and family. It stinks and it's hard, but I look back now and I think to myself that it stunk, A LOT, but I can see that because of the events of my life I've ended up somewhere I didn't know I could even go. I hope that things get better for you and that you find something you love.

I'm Jena! said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
I'm Jena! said...

I miss it too!!

and it was ME who made you guys run and sing at the same time, haha. I was a hitler.

Jilly, you just have to remember that our lives will be filled with so many things! Just because you're a hair stylist now doesn't mean that's all you'll ever be. Experience upon experience will be added to your life in addition to the talents you already have. You will be involved with amazing things as life continues on. The Lord will present you with opportunities that you never even dreamed of. You will change lives, and you will feel fulfilled.

I love you!

Diana said...

You have no idea how amazing you are! I read your blog and I cannot believe all of your talents and drive! You seem to accomplish more in a day than I do in a week and with such style!!! You have SO many GIFTS! You seem to always be doing or creating something wonderful or doing some fantastic thing for someone else. You amaze me.

At times I think I am still looking for the thing I was born to do, but then I look back on the past 50 years and I can see where I have been directed. Looking back I can see where my path has taken me and the amazing people I have met and the awesome experiences I have had.
I have lived long enough to know that when God closes a door, he opens a window and that window is where we should look. Most of the time the view from that window turns out to be amazing! But we never would have looked through it if the door had remained open for us.
Be patient and your path will come, but in the mean time....ENJOY the View from where you are. Love you!!

Mrs.Danielle.Warren said...

Man, I wish I was able to run. I was panting just walking up a hill & stairs with my husband on campus. I have never been physically active but I would definitely like to try! (just not by myself)
I know how you feel though. I have alot of blog post are pretty depressing. There was nothing going for me in high school, college just wasn't my thing, I moved out here on a whim, found a fun career but I'm too scared to take my test for it cause I'm scared of failing (again) & now I'm just a stay at home wife that watches tv all day. The days where I do feel my lowest (which happens quite a bit) I try to think of all of the things I've gained by the decisions I've made. It's hard sometime but it does help. Heavenly Father knows what He's doing. I know I need to have more faith in that.
I hope that your day gets better!

Kira And James Morris said...

You remind me so much of myself. I love to dance, and even though i may not perform... No one can take that away from you or me. :)
I recently got into excercise. Its a passion. I love it! I love it so much i wake up at 430 in the morning and go to the gym. Its my cup of joe. I recently met these girls who are insane! and Do full on marathons and win them! They are so great and They are my best friends. I started to run, i thought maybe its my thing.. And sometimes i still wonder. But just like you. I have really bad joints to run on the pavement. The machines at the gym are easier. Sometimes i get frusterated and feel worthless and they are better at me.
I have recently learned a few things though. 1. Never compare yourself to others. You never know there own struggle of how they got to that special place in there life. Sometimes the perfect life.. isnt always the perfect life.
2. Never listen to the small voice in your head that tells you the negative thoughts. They are not true
3. You dont know how many people love, look up to you, envy you, how many people you touch,inspire and motivate. or what God has in store for you. This WE ALL dont know. That is why we must have faith and always walk forward.
Dont worry, Be happy. Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. I know its easier said than done, but this will only add to your strong testimony and Journey in life. You have so much to give to people. Never change

Niki and Nick Hendershot said...

Seriously, I wake up every day and wonder how things got the way they are!! Not that I don't love my life, but just it is different than I expected! I so wanted to go to BYU, but I applied, and even though my dad is a proffessor there and I should have been automatically admitted, I was denied. I took this as a message from Heavenly Father that I had other things in store for me. I then met my cute hubby and married him when I was 18! I went to esthetics school and while going there got pregnant and now, a year and a half later, still haven't even taken my state boards. Obviously my role as a mother surpassed all other things I had in mind. Maybe your struggles are for something similar? Think of how great doing hair will be when you have children!! You will be able to have as flexible of a schedule as you choose and still make money and spend time with your children!! Wow, sorry for the long comment, just know that I feel your confusion and that Heavenly Father knows that everything will work out for the best. In time you will see! :) Loves!

Melanie Fox said...

Hey I was reading your blog and usually don't comment on peoples blog, but I think we have a lot in common, except you are for sure way more talented then me. I could not carry a note even if i wanted to. I lived for dancing and after high school it just kinda ended. You have to know that those girls you teach dance to look up to you a ton I am sure they think you are an amazing dancer and hope one day they will be as good as you!!! As for hair school and the hair career I have been there its so hard not only to build you cliental, but being around a lot of girls i am super hard on myself too. I often times feel frumpy cause i too have gained weight and am not in the best shape and its super hard, but let me tell you why I love doing hair and think its the best job in the whole world I love having a client come in and feel the same way as i do, but after leaving my chair they are always feeling so much cuter and put together. I love watching them walk out of the salon with there head up thinking they are sexy its the best feeling so just think about that when you are doing someone's hair although a lot of people think hair school is the easy way out it seriously the most rewarding job cause you are serving those in your chair. They are alway so much happier when they leave. oh and PS i hate running to i wish i loved it but I suck at it to. I think its awesome that you went a mile cause i bet i couldn't do that so if you ever want to get in to it and need a partner to start at the beginning with you i'm your girl Ha Ha! Just keep your head up and don't be so hard on yourself you are an amazingly talented girl.

Alex and Becca said...

My comment is going to seem so lame compared to everyone elses amazing comments! Hahah
BUT, I LOVE your pictures hahaha. Seriously especially the one with you creepin in the doorway!
Haha love it.
Thanks for running with me.
Love ya.


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