Wow. It's hard.
My friend Becca is training for a half marathon.
Today she invited me to run 2 miles with her. YEA, 2 MILES. Thats more than I've ever run in my life. Haha, jk, but really, I have never run 2 miles in one run ever. I only ended up running 1 mile, and walking the other. I ran one or two blocks, then walked one or two blocks and kept going like that. Poor Becca, she probably had to go running after we were done. Hahahahaha. But hey, I'm proud of myself for doing it. hopefully later I will feel better, because I was breathing so hard when I got home and felt so light headed, that I came inside and barfed. woops. I'm not a runner.
When I was in 6th grade, I ran like a 7 or 8 minute mile- and I was dancing every day, running around the neighborhood, and skinny as could be. I never enjoyed running. My mile just seemed to get worse and worse.
I danced a lot. I lived to dance. I loved my teachers and friends at dance. It was my dream to become a professional dancer. When I was in 9th grade, I broke my foot and had to get a bone removed from it. I recovered quickly, (thank goodness, because I had paid for a dance camp in idaho for 2 weeks long and the surgery was only a month before!) and kept dancing.
yep, thats me on top!
Do I ever smile?
K, this picture is creepy, it just shows how skinny I was though.
In high school, I started singing too. I had been in a musical theater group at my dance studio and loved to sing. I still danced, but singing became another love. Mr. Lunt (show choir teacher) made us run around the track every morning while we sang- try THAT! It was brutal.
But, in high school running got a little easier for me since I was doing it more. Well, then comes along my big fat knee surgery when I was a junior. Yep, both done at the same time. I could hardly walk. It was a horrible experience. I remember thinking that my dancing could be over, but I had to keep pushing to get through the trial and get better. I had hurt my knees dancing. Not one big thing in particular, just the normal wear and tear of a dancer got to my knees. I got what is called a bilateral release. "A lateral release is a surgical procedure to release tight capsular structures (lateral retinaculum) on the outer aspect (lateral aspect) of the kneecap. This is usually performed because of knee pain related to the kneecap (patella) being pulled over to the outer (lateral) side and not being able to run properly in the centre of the groove of the femur bone as the knee bends and straightens. The procedure is also known as a 'lateral retinacular release'." - from wikipedia.
I didnt kneel for like a year. I would cry when we had to kneel in the morning for family prayer because it hurt so bad. I quickly learned that dancing the way I used to wasn't going to work out anymore. I ended up quitting dance at the end of my junior year. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I cried at every show they did after I quit. I still cry sometimes. I especially cry when I see my sister dancing at BYU or hear her talking about it because its everything I ever wanted to do, that my body didn't let me do.
My senior year, I threw myself into singing. Full force. When I was a junior I was in Ambassadors and Accapella- I loved it. I had many solos and discovered my voice. When I was a senior though, I became more serious. I made a group called Encore that was only 12 people in it. 6 boys, 6 girls. Its a very hard group to make and you have to be able to read music pretty well and pick up songs fast.
Here are some pics of my show choir group when I was a senior in high school.
Well, now it's been 4 or 5 years since I have been a 'dancer' although I still dance here and there because I teach at the studio now. I always planned on going to BYU to be a cougarette, or to be on Young Ambassadors... but both years when I went to try out for Young Ambassadors, the week before try outs something major would happen. I tore my ligaments one year, and I cant remember what happened the other year. It has been one of my dreams to be a Young Ambassador- but I have felt the distinct NO- it is not meant for me.
Why? Why do we get told no to things we really really want? Instead of college, I chose hair school. I struggled my whole way through hair school. I hated the school, the instructors, the girls, the only thing I liked was the hair part. I never really got along with anyone in hair school. It took me a little under 2 years to finish. After hair school, I didnt start doing hair until 10 months after I graduated because I needed a break. Instead, I got married, and had a job blogging for Cedar Fort. Now that I am working in a salon, I love it and I'm good at it, but I wonder, is that what I really always wanted to do? What is my purpose? Why do I still not feel 100% about my career choice? Why am I always wishing I did something else? (or more for a better word).
The other day I was talking and kind of crying to my mom about how hard it was to watch how amazing my little sister is at dance and basically everything she does. She excels at everything she does. She is on the BYU tap team, she sings, she wants to try out for all the other dance teams and Young Ambassadors next year. Trust me, I am so proud of her. Envious of her. She just makes me proud every day. I just wish God would have let me take the path I wanted. But my mom said that there must be something better out there for me because of all the trials I had in trying to get where I wanted to be. Surgeries, torn ligaments, broken feet, migraines in high school, struggling through hair school....
But when am I going to find that out? Sometimes its just frustrating. I cant even go to a Young Ambassadors concert without crying because that should be ME up there! I know I have a talent, I can sing and dance, I just wish I could put some good use to them. Teaching is fun, don't get me wrong, and I love it, but sometimes, I wish I was the one out there inspiring others to do good and be better. (At least thats how I feel when I hear a good singer or see a good dancer.)
Now, I've gained weight, feel crappy about myself, not sure where life is going next. I have my career, but I don't feel satisfied. I need something more. I feel like I just haven't reached my potential that I though I would reach by now.
So today, thats the thoughts running brought out in me. Sounds funny, but it did. It felt good to get some exercise, but it was embarrassing that I couldn't even run a whole mile without wanting to die. Haha. I mean, I could dance for hours and not get tired. Running, is just not my thing. Maybe someday it will. I've always wanted to be a runner. I envy my friend Becca for being able to run so much!
Well, thats it for today. Do any of you feel like you were directed in a path you thought you would never take? Maybe someday I will find my path in being a mother...