Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Day 2- the meaning behind my blog name

Day 2. The meaning behind my blog name.

Well, the name is Kevin and Gillian Mohlman. It cant get more real than that right?

I didn't come up with a fun name or anything super creative because this blog is about me and my hubby and our oh so interesting life. Haha, really though, like I have said before, it has our real names, because this is a real blog with real life and other real stuff.

Here's a real story for you today.

Please be sensitive to this post.

just warning you if you aren't interested in periods and pregnancy and such, don't read this. you can if you want, but because I warned you, that means no rude comments are allowed. :)

I have debated sharing this for a while.

But today after Kevin and I had a long visit with the doctor, I thought I needed to write my feelings down somewhere or I won't ever have record of it. And no, I don't like writing in a paper journal. Never have.

In April, it had been 2 months since I had had a period. I was on the birth control Yaz, so I thought there was no way I could be prego, but since I was having every symptom of being pregnant, and had no period, I stopped taking it and went to the doc to get a blood test. The test read negative.

The next week, I miscarried. (kinda. let me explain....)

We were never really sure if I was ever completely pregnant because the test said negative, but we think it could have been some weird thing where the egg dropped making my body seem pregnant but it never fertilized and just kind of stayed in my tubes or something. I don't know. I gained a lot of weight and was really sick for a few weeks. When I had my period that week, it was bad. I was in some major pain. It lasted a short day and a half, but I had the most pain I have ever had. I was not home when this happened, and didn't realize what was really going on. I was in Vegas with my friend at a hair show. I thought it was just a bad period, but there is no way a period can be that bad, especially for how much blood I lost. (sorry, TMI). Anyway, it was a sad, and hard thing. I was away from my husband and didn't really know what was happening. I had hoped I was pregnant because I always wanted to be a young mom and start having kids soon, but Kevin wasn't quite ready, so I took that as a sign that things were not meant to be yet. So that's why I say I am not really sure it was a miscarriage or not... it sounds like one, but yea.

Since then, I have not had a period.

It's been 6 months.

We don't have insurance, so we didn't want to go to the doctor. I was sure I would start because I have always been irregular. But, months kept flying by, and no sign. I haven't been on any type of birthcontrol/prevention since April.

I hated birth control. It made me crazy. I gained a ton of weight. I also found out last November that I have cysts on my ovaries. That could be the cause of most of my cramping.

We have been praying about when to have kids. We don't necessarily want them now. I kinda do, but I'm not sure we are ready yet. I am not sure I want to give up my life with just my husband just yet. But if I got pregnant, I wouldn't mind either. Having that said, when praying about it, my only thoughts that kept popping in my head, were adoption, invetro (sp?), fertility stuff.. etc. Soon after we first started praying about it, I came in contact with many people who are going through miscarriages, fertility, etc. I kind of took that as a sign. I didn't want to believe that could be me someday, struggling when the time came to try to get pregnant, so I pushed the thought behind me. But, as time kept going on since April, the thought got stronger and stronger. I knew I needed to go to the doctor. I knew it wasn't healthy for my body to be acting this way.

So today was the day. I took Kevin with me to the doctor. I took a urine test, not pregnant. Which is fine at this point. (No, we aren't trying to get pregnant.) But, then came the news I wasn't looking forward to hear.

The doctor said that not having a period for 3 months is pretty normal, but anytime after that, is not. He said I probably should have come to the doctor sooner to get this back on track. He said that a lot of women have this problem unfortunately. He put me on a 10 day medicine. It's supposed to start me within the ten days. If it does not, then there will be a problem. He said I could very likely have Poly cystic Ovarian Syndrome.

Wiki says: Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) is one of the most common female endocrine disorders affecting approximately 5%-10% of women of reproductive age (12–45 years old) and is thought to be one of the leading causes of female infertility.[1][2][3][4]

The principal features are obesity, anovulation (resulting in irregular menstruation) or amenorrhea, acne, and excessive amounts or effects of androgenic (masculinizing) hormones. The symptoms and severity of the syndrome vary greatly among women. While the causes are unknown, insulin resistancediabetes, and obesity are all strongly correlated with PCOS.

He doesn't think I ovulate. I am supposed to get some ovulation kits and see if I am. If we find out that I am not, then there will be a problem.

I then asked him what he thought my chances were of getting pregnant right now (even thought we don't want to try right now, I just want to know what it would be like if my body doesn't change with this medicine) and he said chances are, you will not get pregnant easily or on your own by that matter. I will probably have to be put on some fertility drugs or something.

When he said that, my heart just sunk. I felt sick to my stomach.

All I ever wanted to be was a mother.

I know I need to have faith that what happens is meant to be, and I do have faith, but can I just say...

I'm scared.

I'm sad.

I'm confused.

I don't want to have poly cystic ovarian syndrome. I just want to be NORMAL for once.

I put on a brave face for the doctor and pretended like I was ok about it and I knew it would work out to my benefit, but once I dropped Kevin off at school and was alone, I cried. Not a lot, but a little. I guess my fears were just kind of confirmed today. Instead of it being a thought, it became a reality.

I don't think I am strong enough to have this all happen. I realize I may be jumping the gun and I may be completely normal and be a fertile mertyl, but what if I'm not?

This is the time when I need to just sit back and let the Lord bless me and comfort me. I'm not sure what Kevin is feeling, but I know he is probably scared too. He doesn't say much when he is sad. All I can say is that if I have to go through this, I am glad I married my husband- because he is the right person to to through this all with. He is patient and loving and spiritual, and I know with his help and Heavenly Father, I can get through it.

I really just want to be a mother. I think that's partly why I chose my career, so I could stay home and be with my kids. I am glad my mom was home for most of my time growing up. I loved it.

It bugs me when people complain about having kids and having to stay home all day with them when there are people who are out there that can't even have kids, or who may not someday have the easiest time having them. I just ask that all of you be extra sensitive to anyone you may know that cannot have kids or who are struggling to adopt or whatnot. That doesn't mean you cant talk about how much you love your kids or how lucky you are to have them. It's just the complaining about kids that bugs me.

I know I may be being a little dramatic. But to me, this is a big deal. And it's something I have always been afraid would happen... struggling to have a normal functioning body so that I can be a normal person and have kids and be a mother.

So I ask you, please keep us in your prayers. Hopefully Heavenly Father will have mercy on us and allow us to bear our own children someday. If not, I know that will be his will and I will do what he would have me do.

So, to the title of my blog, this was as real as it gets people.

Here is a song that I am relating to right now- because like it says, "when all my strength is gone, In you I can be strong. I look to you." Because I really do look to my Heavenly Father and trust it will all work out.


As I lay me down 

Heaven hear me now 
I'm lost without a cause 
After giving it my all 

Winter storms have come 
And darkened my sun 
After all that I've been through 
Who on earth can I turn to? 

I look to you, 
I look to you 
After all my strength is gone 
In you I can be strong 
I look to you, 
I look to you 
And when melodies are gone In you I hear a song 
I look to you 

Have to lose my breath 
There's no fighting left 
Sinking to rise no more 

Searching for that open door 

And every road that I've taken 
Led to my regret 
And I don't know if I'm go'n make it 
Nothing to do but lift my head 


My levees are broken 
My walls are coming down on me 
My rain is falling 
Defeat is calling 
I need you to set me free 
Take me far away from the battle 
I need you 
Shine on me! 



PaigeE said...

I'm sorry. I know you will be strong and blessed through everything. Hang in there. We'll pray for you. Love you lots!

Jess said...

You're in our prayers, Gillian! :(

Mrs.Danielle.Warren said...

You are definitely in my prayers! I know how scared & sad you are. Just keep with it! Heavenly Father is there for you, and so am I!

Alex and Becca said...

Gil I'm so sorry. Call me if you want to talk. I'm here girly.

Anonymous said...

I found your blog through a friend and have been reading for a little bit. I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome and the doctors put me on a diabetic medicine called metformin and I was pregnant within a month. I know it might seem hopeless right now but it is possible to get pregnant :)

I'm Jena! said...

Jilly boo,

I have PCOS as well. You will get through, don't be afraid. A lot of women in my family have it and they have housefulls of kids and babies! Don't worry, Heavenly Father has a timeline for us that we need to have faith in. Your time will come baby,

love you,


The Dayleys said...

I'm so sorry to hear about this!! I can only imagine what your feeling. Earlier this spring I had the strongest feeling that I was to have a baby. I couldn't shake it for the longest time. It was hard to see my friends giving birth and have friends get prego. We waited for insurance to kick in and timing still hasn't seemed right. Buying a house gives us space for a baby but we need to become a little more financially stable. Anyways.... We just brought home our second four legged child and right now I feel very content and feel like this is my family for now. I'm learning how important it is to be happy in the moment and content in your current situation. I hope and pray that you will find comfort and hope in the coming days and weeks. And what comfort it is to know that Heavenly Father knows what we can all go through and what experiences we need. My prayers are with you Gillian.

Anonymous said...

you will be in my prayers. <3 sending lots of love and hugs your way.

Amy said...

gillian i'm so sorry to hear your news. i can kind of sypathize with you. i had 3 miscarriages and now have 3 handsome boys. babies come when they want to and not when we want them too. i will kepp you in my prayers!

Kira And James Morris said...

Dear Gillian. I was just thinking about this subject last night. (kind of) Not so much about getting pregnant, but about how it offends me how people take for granted so much in life. I cant say im Perfect. Just today, i was feeling down myself. But, you reminded me we need to be grateful for what we have.
This is not my message to you however. My Message to you is to have faith. I use to think that miracles didn't happen. That life was supposed to be hard and that was part of the test. This is true, however recently The Lord helped me understand his tender mercies a little better. He has made my life wonderful and beautiful, and REAL miracles have occurred in my life. In MY life. Not someone elses. The Lord hears our prayers, no matter how small or complex they may be. And even though we hit bumps in life.. most of the time he blesses us so much more. This life can be hard, but you know what? Its about being happy too. "Men are that they might have joy." I don't know the future for you. But i do know that the Lord loves you, and he will not forsake you. I will ALWAYS keep you in my prayers.

Melissa said...

You are such an amazing person Gillian!! You will get through this experience, and be even more amazing because of it. You are in my thoughts and prayers. If there is anything I can do for you just let me know.

Dani and Alex said...

Gillian, I saw your comment on my post, and it was so sweet what you said! I know Heavenly Father will bless you with all the babies you want, it just has to be the right time. I know it's so hard going through what you are right now, but just wait, it will get better! I agree with one of the comments, that babies come when they want, not when you want. Just be patient and keep up your amazing faith!

Erin said...

Gillian - I have PCOS. I have NEVER had regular periods. I have to be on BC pills in order to have any regularity. And even then, the BC pills have made my period completely nonexistant for years. But the doctor insists I stay on them because they keep my cervical lining thined out (like a period would naturally do) and this reduces my risk of getting ovarian cancer.

With that said...I miscarried my first pregnancy. Which is actually very common. (Heart wrenching when you know what just happened...but common even among healthy women). It's more common than most women realize...because they like you, especially if they never even suspected being pregnant...they think it's a heavy period brought on because they were late.

I was pregnant again within 3 months!! I had no trouble getting pregnant or carrying my daughter to term.

It's called a 'syndrome' because there are so many symptoms and can vary so widely from person to person.

So, don't be completely discouraged!!!

Yes, it is true that most women who have fertility trouble do find out they have PCOS...but it doesn't mean you CAN'T have kids!! YOU may be like me and my friend...who both have PCOS but had no trouble getting pregnant. She also miscarried before, but now has 2 beautiful boys!!

Continue to pray and keep your faith!! And I will pray for you too!!! God will take care of you and you will live the path He has planned for you!

If you have any questions or what to talk with someone whose lived with it for years...please feel free to email me!

Clayton and Malae Talley said...

Oh Jill...your post made me get all teary-eyed. All I want to be is a mother, too. I admire you for handling this trial to the best that are able. It is okay to have these feelings.

A source of comfort for me is my patriarchal mentions my posterity and other things that I often worry about in this life.

You will be in my prayers. Stay strong, you are amazing.

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

I just came across your blog and wanted to say, do not be disheartened!

We tried for three years after we were married to get pregnant. I had been diagnosed with PCOS and knew it was going to be hard.

It is hard but it IS NOT impossible.

Read everything you can about it. For me it was a combination of low carb dieting and fertility drugs that worked.

Chin up will happen!

Alexis Kaye said...

this breaks my heart! I hope things have gotten better :(


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