Well, the name is Kevin and Gillian Mohlman. It cant get more real than that right?
I didn't come up with a fun name or anything super creative because this blog is about me and my hubby and our oh so interesting life. Haha, really though, like I have said before, it has our real names, because this is a real blog with real life and other real stuff.
Here's a real story for you today.
Please be sensitive to this post.
just warning you if you aren't interested in periods and pregnancy and such, don't read this. you can if you want, but because I warned you, that means no rude comments are allowed. :)
I have debated sharing this for a while.
But today after Kevin and I had a long visit with the doctor, I thought I needed to write my feelings down somewhere or I won't ever have record of it. And no, I don't like writing in a paper journal. Never have.
In April, it had been 2 months since I had had a period. I was on the birth control Yaz, so I thought there was no way I could be prego, but since I was having every symptom of being pregnant, and had no period, I stopped taking it and went to the doc to get a blood test. The test read negative.
The next week, I miscarried. (kinda. let me explain....)
We were never really sure if I was ever completely pregnant because the test said negative, but we think it could have been some weird thing where the egg dropped making my body seem pregnant but it never fertilized and just kind of stayed in my tubes or something. I don't know. I gained a lot of weight and was really sick for a few weeks. When I had my period that week, it was bad. I was in some major pain. It lasted a short day and a half, but I had the most pain I have ever had. I was not home when this happened, and didn't realize what was really going on. I was in Vegas with my friend at a hair show. I thought it was just a bad period, but there is no way a period can be that bad, especially for how much blood I lost. (sorry, TMI). Anyway, it was a sad, and hard thing. I was away from my husband and didn't really know what was happening. I had hoped I was pregnant because I always wanted to be a young mom and start having kids soon, but Kevin wasn't quite ready, so I took that as a sign that things were not meant to be yet. So that's why I say I am not really sure it was a miscarriage or not... it sounds like one, but yea.
Since then, I have not had a period.
It's been 6 months.
We don't have insurance, so we didn't want to go to the doctor. I was sure I would start because I have always been irregular. But, months kept flying by, and no sign. I haven't been on any type of birthcontrol/prevention since April.
I hated birth control. It made me crazy. I gained a ton of weight. I also found out last November that I have cysts on my ovaries. That could be the cause of most of my cramping.
We have been praying about when to have kids. We don't necessarily want them now. I kinda do, but I'm not sure we are ready yet. I am not sure I want to give up my life with just my husband just yet. But if I got pregnant, I wouldn't mind either. Having that said, when praying about it, my only thoughts that kept popping in my head, were adoption, invetro (sp?), fertility stuff.. etc. Soon after we first started praying about it, I came in contact with many people who are going through miscarriages, fertility, etc. I kind of took that as a sign. I didn't want to believe that could be me someday, struggling when the time came to try to get pregnant, so I pushed the thought behind me. But, as time kept going on since April, the thought got stronger and stronger. I knew I needed to go to the doctor. I knew it wasn't healthy for my body to be acting this way.
So today was the day. I took Kevin with me to the doctor. I took a urine test, not pregnant. Which is fine at this point. (No, we aren't trying to get pregnant.) But, then came the news I wasn't looking forward to hear.
The doctor said that not having a period for 3 months is pretty normal, but anytime after that, is not. He said I probably should have come to the doctor sooner to get this back on track. He said that a lot of women have this problem unfortunately. He put me on a 10 day medicine. It's supposed to start me within the ten days. If it does not, then there will be a problem. He said I could very likely have Poly cystic Ovarian Syndrome.
Wiki says: Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) is one of the most common female endocrine disorders affecting approximately 5%-10% of women of reproductive age (12–45 years old) and is thought to be one of the leading causes of female infertility.
The principal features are obesity, anovulation (resulting in irregular menstruation) or amenorrhea, acne, and excessive amounts or effects of androgenic (masculinizing) hormones. The symptoms and severity of the syndrome vary greatly among women. While the causes are unknown, insulin resistance, diabetes, and obesity are all strongly correlated with PCOS.
He doesn't think I ovulate. I am supposed to get some ovulation kits and see if I am. If we find out that I am not, then there will be a problem.
I then asked him what he thought my chances were of getting pregnant right now (even thought we don't want to try right now, I just want to know what it would be like if my body doesn't change with this medicine) and he said chances are, you will not get pregnant easily or on your own by that matter. I will probably have to be put on some fertility drugs or something.
When he said that, my heart just sunk. I felt sick to my stomach.
All I ever wanted to be was a mother.
I know I need to have faith that what happens is meant to be, and I do have faith, but can I just say...
I don't want to have poly cystic ovarian syndrome. I just want to be NORMAL for once.
I put on a brave face for the doctor and pretended like I was ok about it and I knew it would work out to my benefit, but once I dropped Kevin off at school and was alone, I cried. Not a lot, but a little. I guess my fears were just kind of confirmed today. Instead of it being a thought, it became a reality.
I don't think I am strong enough to have this all happen. I realize I may be jumping the gun and I may be completely normal and be a fertile mertyl, but what if I'm not?
This is the time when I need to just sit back and let the Lord bless me and comfort me. I'm not sure what Kevin is feeling, but I know he is probably scared too. He doesn't say much when he is sad. All I can say is that if I have to go through this, I am glad I married my husband- because he is the right person to to through this all with. He is patient and loving and spiritual, and I know with his help and Heavenly Father, I can get through it.
I really just want to be a mother. I think that's partly why I chose my career, so I could stay home and be with my kids. I am glad my mom was home for most of my time growing up. I loved it.
It bugs me when people complain about having kids and having to stay home all day with them when there are people who are out there that can't even have kids, or who may not someday have the easiest time having them. I just ask that all of you be extra sensitive to anyone you may know that cannot have kids or who are struggling to adopt or whatnot. That doesn't mean you cant talk about how much you love your kids or how lucky you are to have them. It's just the complaining about kids that bugs me.
I know I may be being a little dramatic. But to me, this is a big deal. And it's something I have always been afraid would happen... struggling to have a normal functioning body so that I can be a normal person and have kids and be a mother.
So I ask you, please keep us in your prayers. Hopefully Heavenly Father will have mercy on us and allow us to bear our own children someday. If not, I know that will be his will and I will do what he would have me do.
So, to the title of my blog, this was as real as it gets people.
Here is a song that I am relating to right now- because like it says, "when all my strength is gone, In you I can be strong. I look to you." Because I really do look to my Heavenly Father and trust it will all work out.