Life is so hard.
I have made myself a goal that I will serve others so that I can get through my depression. I thought that if I served others and kept myself busy and thought about anything but myself, I would be ok. I thought I could just pretend I didn't have it, and I could just pretend that I could get through it.
But, it doesn't work that way.
It worked for a little while. It really did. But today, I'm tired. And worn out. I realize that I can only do so much to make myself happy. Depression is a sick disease. I hate it. It's been a major huge horrible trial for me. I seem to do this thing- when I hear about others sad stories or trials they are going through, I start to feel bad for them too, and it becomes my own burden. It's not a good thing to do, but sometimes, I think, holy cow. The Savior took EVERYONES trials and made them his burdens, and suffered for them. How can I not just suffer for anyone but my own? I can hardly stand my own.
Even though I am grateful that I know I am not alone and I can turn to the Lord for help, it's hard. I can't always just put on a face or make myself be happy.
So today, is a hard day. I'm taking it step by step. The Lord must be teaching me a very valuable lesson right now, but this is definitely a trial I don't like or understand.
Sometimes when I get down I just get these horrible thoughts of myself. I know it's all Satan telling me I am not of self worth. But sometimes, I wish Satan would just leave me alone. I think the reason I am so open with me suffering from thoughts like these, is because I think more people than you would think go through these same thoughts and just don't quite realize what it is. I think that being open about it helps me to not be embarrassed by it. I don't feel like I am hiding a secret or anything. I feel like I can be a strength to others who have it too. I just have to figure out how.
Anyway. Just a bad day. Not because anything happened really. It just is. Had to get it out.
Life is hard.