Wednesday, September 29, 2010

There's no pretending...

Life is so hard.

I have made myself a goal that I will serve others so that I can get through my depression. I thought that if I served others and kept myself busy and thought about anything but myself, I would be ok. I thought I could just pretend I didn't have it, and I could just pretend that I could get through it.

But, it doesn't work that way.

It worked for a little while. It really did. But today, I'm tired. And worn out. I realize that I can only do so much to make myself happy. Depression is a sick disease. I hate it. It's been a major huge horrible trial for me. I seem to do this thing- when I hear about others sad stories or trials they are going through, I start to feel bad for them too, and it becomes my own burden. It's not a good thing to do, but sometimes, I think, holy cow. The Savior took EVERYONES trials and made them his burdens, and suffered for them. How can I not just suffer for anyone but my own? I can hardly stand my own.

Even though I am grateful that I know I am not alone and I can turn to the Lord for help, it's hard. I can't always just put on a face or make myself be happy.

So today, is a hard day. I'm taking it step by step. The Lord must be teaching me a very valuable lesson right now, but this is definitely a trial I don't like or understand.

Sometimes when I get down I just get these horrible thoughts of myself. I know it's all Satan telling me I am not of self worth. But sometimes, I wish Satan would just leave me alone. I think the reason I am so open with me suffering from thoughts like these, is because I think more people than you would think go through these same thoughts and just don't quite realize what it is. I think that being open about it helps me to not be embarrassed by it. I don't feel like I am hiding a secret or anything. I feel like I can be a strength to others who have it too. I just have to figure out how.

Anyway. Just a bad day. Not because anything happened really. It just is. Had to get it out.

Life is hard.

5 comments:

Kira And James Morris said...

Gillian, I think you and I are a lot a like. Depression has come and gone since i was in seventh grade. Its like a roller coaster. However Serving others DOES help me. A lot. And blogging too. IT helps me focus on the positive. I find it very ironic you post this the day i am feeling down on myself. All my friends seem to be SO much better than me in about every aspect, but you helped me remember something. Those thoughts are Satan, and he wants me to give in, and feel hopeless. Thank you for that sweet reminder! I needed it. Your blogging is more meaningful than you might think.

Aryn and Chris said...

Gill,
I think that you are pretty great. And I know I am not the only one. So, even though i don't mean that much, when you have a down day, at least know I think you are pretty great :)

Niki and Nick Hendershot said...

Gillian, you are so amazing! I love your blog! Seriously, you are so talented it is crazy! I love that you are so willing to share the good and the bad! Sometimes life can be so frustrating, and it feels like you are the only one who goes through what you go through, but it always helps to know that everybody has their struggles, and everyone has good and bad days! Anyways, thanks for sharing, girl! I hope you have a better day! :) loves!

Papa Doc said...

I don't know if it helps at all, but know that I love you. I am excited to see your progress. You have become much more selfless, and like one of your friends said in a comment, serving others does help us over come depression.

You have many talents, and some of them are just getting started in their development. Added to the great self you already have, they will make you fun and exciting to know. Kevin is LUCKY.

This is not to say that you, like us all are without problems, adversity, and weaknesses. But recognition is good, if we only use it as a starting place for improvement. Being truely humble is great. All of the really great people on earth are meek and humble. But there is no need to dwell on our weaknesses, either ignore them or do something, anything about them. Sometimes just keeping busy helping others will cause us to forget ourselves enough that we can get on with enjoying life, in this case, with others. Joy is best when it is shared!

Love, your Dad

Loveridge said...

I'm sorry Jill! Next time you have a day like that, give me a call and we'll go get ice cream or something! :) Love you!

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