Monday, June 21, 2010

I will be here still.

So. I'm gonna get personal on here right now.

I haven't shared anything really super personal lately because I feel like I share a little too much about my life sometimes.... but this is my therapy. Seriously. I always feel better after I blog. Haha.

This last month has been the hardest month I have probably ever had.

I have been discouraged, sad, offended, sensitive, emotional, confused, tired, crazy, worn out... stressed out, you get the jist. I know Kevin has felt the same way. We both have been so stressed this last month. Honestly, I don't know where all of it came from. Well, I do. After I got my surgery, I started stressing out. Workers Comp paid for it and has been giving me money every two weeks to help with our income since I haven't been able to work- but it's not very much at all. We have always paid our tithing and for that we have been truly blessed. But, not working has brought a lot of stress in.

Reasons being 1-I got super board. Sitting on the couch. Staring at the wall, feeling so helpless since I could only use one hand. Kevin was washing my hair, helping me go to the bathroom, cooking, doing dishes, and all that good stuff. I started feeling super inadequate. I felt like a wife should be able to do all of those things no matter what was going on. So, that was reason one. Feeling inadequate.

Reason 2- We were used to making a certain amount of money until I got surgery, and then everything was much tighter and we had to watch our money much more closely. Money has always stressed me out my whole life. Which is funny, because now I make more money than I ever have and now I really don't have anything to worry about, but it still stresses me out. I think it's because I grew up in a home that had no money. Which was sad to see, because my mom worked so hard but money was always tight for them. It was always such a problem. I've discovered that when I find out that others are struggling with money I feel the need to make it my problem too, and try to help others out. I just don't want anyone to struggle with it. I hate thinking about money. And I know that I will ALWAYS be that way. No matter if we are making a million a year, or 20,000 a year. I will always be stressing about it. It's a bad bad quality I have. And no, I don't spend a lot of money. I am pretty good with our money infact. I like good deals and like to look for coupons and things. I do well with it. There is no point in spending money on something you don't need unless you have been saving up for it. (in my opinion.)

Reason 3- Insurance. I don't even want to go there. All I know is that we still don't have it, and I don't know what we are going to do. We make too much for Medicade. I recently found out that the agent we were going through never turned in our papers to the place we were trying to get on with. Kevin was furious. It has been a big mess. Basically, I have had so "many health problems in my life that no one wants to cover me" (says the agent.)

Reason 4- I'm sensitive. WAY too sensitive. You could look at me and I could take it the wrong way and cry. It's insane. I hate it more than anything. I don't understand why I was made that way?

Reason 5- Like I said in my last post, I have gained some weight. I don't feel fat, but I don't feel myself. I have been working out, and eating better, and eating things I never used to eat before, like eggs, grapes, broccoli, things that picky eaters dont like. Haha. But I am, because I hate the way I am. I didn't feel I had a problem with the way I was until I had been asked if I was pregnant. FIVE TIMES this last month I was asked. Lovely. Guess I need to change a little?

Reason 6- School. I am juggling the thought of returning. I have been teaching Musical Theater for the past 3 or 4 years. I have loved it. I love teaching. in my patriarchal blessing, it tells me that I will be using my talents to teach youth my whole life. And I know I will, because I am good at it, and I like to do it. But, School? Not my thing. I already did hair school. And I struggled. I am not smart. Things dont come easily to me. But, I am creative, and I do have a talent with singing and dancing. And teaching. So, what to do? Kevin doesn't really want me to because we would have to get loans. We don't qualify for pel grants. Everyone keeps telling me to get one, but we already tried, and we make too much. We pay cash for Kevin's schooling, so every semester, our savings drains. Which honestly, that's amazing that we can even pay cash for it. So, that's another thing I have been thinking about.

Reason 7- I just put on an hour long show for my musical theater kids last month. It was hard, but rewarding and I am glad I did it. But who knows how I got it all done in the midst of my surgery!

Anyway. Thats that. But as I was thinking of all these things that had been bothering me lately, I just had the thought to stop thinking about all of it.

What's the point? I know those negative thoughts are not Godly thoughts. I know God doesn't want me to feel that way. So, I said a prayer. And felt better. And immediately, I thought of Kevin.

If I didn't have anything- no schooling, money, etc.- I would at least have Kevin. And that's all I really care about.

My husband.

He is my rock.

He loves me.

And that's all I need to know.

He is great. He does the dishes, helps with dinner, washes laundry, scratches my back every night, holds me when I cry, laughs with me when I laugh.. the list goes on and on! I can't help but smile when I see him. I can't help but smile when I think of him. I can't help but smile when I know I will be with him forever. I can't help but be assured that everything will work out how it's supposed to if I trust in my husband and the Lord. Kevin always makes me happy. No matter what kind of day I have had, he makes it better.

So today, I am grateful.

Grateful for Kev. I love him so much. God really was watching out for me when he sent Kevin to me. He knew that Kevin was just what I needed. And ALL I needed.


I love you Kev. xoxo. 

I leave you with a few favorite words from a song I recently found:

"If no one will listen, if you decide to speak, if no one is left, standing after the bombs explode, if no one wants to look at you for what you really are, I will be here still.
If you find your fists are all in red from beating yourself down, your legs have given out under the weight, 
if you find that you've been settling for the world of gray, so you wouldn't have to face down you own hate- 
If no one will listen, if you decide to speak, if no one is left, standing after the bombs explode, if no one wants to look at you for what you really are, I will be here still."


And I know Kevin would be there still. And he will look at me for who I really am, and still love me

5 comments:

I'm Jena! said...

Gill---Just want you to know that I love you to pieces. Just keep your chin up and rely on the Lord. He thinks you're perfect, and so do I!! You've been such an amazing friend, and have amazing capabilities!

Love you girl, and love Kevin for being such an awesome husband to you.

-Jena

Lyss said...

I know the feeling!! I'm lucky like you are. Dan is such a good man. Keep your chin up-life, marriage, friends, money, jobs, family. It's all so hard. But it's all worth it-and way to have a good attitude about life...You're awesome.

Amie and Jesse said...

Gillian, i just want you to know you are not the only one that feels these things! i have gone thru many of these trials too, you are doing great and will get through it! as for insurance if you are a student you can go thru state farm and get assurant health, thats what i did, it was cheap covered the basic health care bills, they even have maternity if you want it. they dont cover prescriptions but if you let your doctors know they will give you the cheap generics. I know that this saved my butt the last two years, because i to have so many health problems that IHC and other companies didn't want to cover me. its a cheap and good health insurance so i suggest you check it out! anywho even though we dont know each other very well i think you are a very strong person and great girl!! :)

Team Clark said...

Sorry things have been so tough, Gilly.
Keep your head up - you're doing a great job!

Gillian and Kevin Mohlman said...

Aw, thanks everyone. It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone! Haha. Love you all...

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